As to the fight. There are a few layers there that I want to touch on. In your position, my cheap shot wouldn't have been so pointed at her faults and flaws, the immediate thing that came to mind with me is that you've offered for her to go in with you to help you catch up and she refused. Now it's a problem you're there too much. This isn't to instigate. Just being in that position that would've been the hard thing for me not to throw in her face and I find it interesting that you let that go, but wanted to shove something adjacent but relatively unrelated in her face. Might be something you want to think on.
The second thing as to the fight is when I do bring myself to post on LBHs posts I feel like there's a common theme of what I like to call the the "that b*tch over there eating her crackers" issues. There is a someecards meme that was put out there like a million years ago about how when you don't like someone everything they do annoys you to the point where when they are just sitting there minding their own business eating lunch all you can process is "look at that b*tch over there eating her crackers." There's something about LBHs where they don't know how to seperate the feelings of being annoyed and frustrated from a person actually instigating a fight with them. You seem quite a bit more self aware. You knew it, but couldn't stop yourself in the moment. Choosing to escalate is never the right choice even if it feels like it. I know sometimes it's unavoidable. We're all imperfect. We're all works in progress. But that should be the goal. Even if you can't validate, if you can't be kind and receptive, which are the ultimate goals obviously, just trying your best to not to escalate is the best you can do in those situations. When these things blow up you both leave feeling like garbage. And it makes finding your footing together again harder and harder every time. On top of that not being in control of your actions and reactions just makes everything harder for you.
The enmeshed family thing has come up for me and my bff in our process of therapy. Both of us had traumatic childhoods. We both pick partners painfully enmeshed in their families. We've had very different therapy journeys with different practitioners and we've both been told that on more than one occasion.
So I'm ridiculously self aware. Some times painfully so. I was an only child until 13 so I live in my head a lot. I've always taken the time to mull over my feelings again and again and again until I can understand it, find the root, and let it go. So for you I see you can see all the choices you could've/should've/would've done this morning on your drive. Maybe take some of that time to figure out what's wrong, or what's really wrong. And if the solution feels like oh this is on me, I'm being a crazy pants/overly emotional/ etc. you can let it go or apologize what ever you feel is right. If you explore it and you see that it's really and interpersonal thing and it's a conversation that needs to be had, mull over it a little longer and find the best way you can possibly say it.
I have a bad temper. Little patience. I bristle when people can't see things as clearly as I can see them. Taking the time to not speak. To walk away. To process what I'm feeling and why, and then practice that conversation over and over again before I actually do it has made things for me better with H and better with other people. I would eat the anger anyway. It's nice to eat it with a more productive result in the end, instead of a huge blow up. The conversations rarely go the way I anticipate, but knowing what's important for me to get out there helps me be a better active listener and better at validating, because I can keep my mouth shut until I feel I have to say what I want to say.
