1. Never, ever, ever, ever write a letter. No apology letter, no love letter, no outpouring of earnestness. It can and probably will be used against you, either emotionally or possibly even legally.
Amen to that brother! That $hit only works in the movies.
Originally Posted by unchien
2. If you aren't willing to walk away from a relationship if your needs aren't met, you need to work on yourself. Doesn't matter if you have 10 kids together and have been married for 30 years. You can be in the happiest MR possible today, but you always need to be willing to stand up to have your needs (assuming they are reasonable) met.
Yes and in a true meaningful relationship both people will bee happy to meet each other's needs.
Originally Posted by unchien
3. If you can't get in touch with your own values and feelings, you will forever be susceptible to feelings of self-doubt. Others, intentionally or not, will undermine your self-confidence in your decision making. You are susceptible to gaslighting. You can easily get sucked into a vortex of negativity and will struggle to detach and self-differentiate. You will start to make mistakes -- thinking you are DB'ing when in fact you are continuing to perpetuate a lousy situation. Enlist support if needed to help you, but don't "poison the well" - seek 1 or 2 trusted friends (ideally not family), go to IC, seek legal counsel (discreetly).
U be careful blaming your perpetuating lousy sitch it on DB. If you never moved out you would be D'd by now and have a $hit ton more money in your pocket.
Originally Posted by unchien
4. Find out what works for you. It's different for everybody. If something doesn't work, ditch it and try something else. You will find things that work for you. It won't happen overnight. Don't give up on the process.
Exactly!
Originally Posted by unchien
5. Validation can be a dangerous technique if used unskillfully, depending on your situation (especially if you are not detached). Validation can be mistaken as acceptance. Personally, I wish I had used active listening (here is what I hear you saying) rather than validation (I can understand how you could feel that way), given the dynamics of my situation at the time.
Can you give some examples of how it became dangerous?
