Can't post much here about details of my situation at the moment. Things are not really moving, but there is a lot of pressure for things to move in some direction.
I'm feeling really strong emotionally, but my kids leave today for a few days so there is a tinge of sadness. I could be stronger, especially when they are gone, but for me, I'm feeling great. This weekend we all started riding bikes and scooters around the block for the first time, rather than just in our driveway -- 2 miles yesterday! Things always feel good when they are here. I know I'm a good dad.
I've learned a few lessons this last year:
1. Never, ever, ever, ever write a letter. No apology letter, no love letter, no outpouring of earnestness. It can and probably will be used against you, either emotionally or possibly even legally.
2. If you aren't willing to walk away from a relationship if your needs aren't met, you need to work on yourself. Doesn't matter if you have 10 kids together and have been married for 30 years. You can be in the happiest MR possible today, but you always need to be willing to stand up to have your needs (assuming they are reasonable) met.
3. If you can't get in touch with your own values and feelings, you will forever be susceptible to feelings of self-doubt. Others, intentionally or not, will undermine your self-confidence in your decision making. You are susceptible to gaslighting. You can easily get sucked into a vortex of negativity and will struggle to detach and self-differentiate. You will start to make mistakes -- thinking you are DB'ing when in fact you are continuing to perpetuate a lousy situation. Enlist support if needed to help you, but don't "poison the well" - seek 1 or 2 trusted friends (ideally not family), go to IC, seek legal counsel (discreetly).
4. Find out what works for you. It's different for everybody. If something doesn't work, ditch it and try something else. You will find things that work for you. It won't happen overnight. Don't give up on the process.
5. Validation can be a dangerous technique if used unskillfully, depending on your situation (especially if you are not detached). Validation can be mistaken as acceptance. Personally, I wish I had used active listening (here is what I hear you saying) rather than validation (I can understand how you could feel that way), given the dynamics of my situation at the time.
#3 is a biggie for me. My W, MC2, heck even our mediator - all of them have had me, at moments, doubting my self-worth, my confidence in my own decisions. Anyone who has read my posts over time has probably been, at times, ripping their hair out hearing me vacillate and question myself
