My WAS - looking help and thanks in advance PART 7

[ovrrnbw]

Well I have to write this down before I forget and let it go by the wayside. Had a lovely fight this morning. I woke up and it was 8 AM and I told W I need to get to work. I wanted to get to work early to get caught up. She thinks I'm spending too much time at work and that I do it to get away (kinda true - my in laws have been there for over 2 weeks now). It was a decent talk but I really don't do well at bringing up the things that bother me or the things that I want in a positive way. It was an argument about how she does a lot for us and I'm coming back saying the same thing. Obviously I could have just listened and validated any frustrations. Then I took a cheap shot saying that pickup these decorations and going to the stores are just fun for her as part of her shopping obsessions. And she blew up.

I gotta wonder why in the hell I do this...it is so dumb and now I am just spinning like a hurt imbecile who keeps doing the same thing over and over. God what in the hell is wrong with me...it's like the only world I know is chaos and attacks and taking shots. I don't know if I'm cut out for marriage sometimes. I know I'm low right and maybe throwing a pity party. Guess I gotta pull out of this.

On the drive in I was thinking, what if when she said "I hope work isn't like this forever" I gave her a back rub and an ILY and told her I'd come home an hour early. I think the script might be flipped.

Wayfarer, thank you for the post, it really hits home. I have seen your postings to others and your insight is helpful.

People with bad childhoods and/or poor parental child relationships tend to gravitated toward partners who are in
enmeshed families

Where did you read or learn about this? Because this struck me as me and her. Her family is great in many ways but there are some drawbacks of being that close too, not that her family is bothered by them.

I told her this morning that she puts them before me and she said it is because the give her more. I know at least part of the reason they do things is to keep her dependent. For example, she got a speeding ticket in college and thought she had to tell her parents. I helped her to call a $50 traffic lawyer to get it fixed (something not every state does) instead of letting her parents handle it for her.

Like one person being a giver while the other is a taker. When one person puts kindness first and the other person sees that as weakness. I think those things are far more important than the broad concept of disrespect. To that end the imbalance in the relationship because of those reasons is an imbalance that can't go left unaddressed forever. Even if that means S/D. Moral obligation or not, your vows did not bind you to the indentured servitude of another person for the rest of your life.

Yes, this sounds quite familiar as well. But it cuts both ways. She is tired of my shortcomings and so am I. I keep looking to her to do something, which isn't a great idea.

Make sure you're checking your on emotional flare ups and you're not feeding W's poor behavior. As some one said above maybe check in on W's stress levels with all that's going on plus house guests.

What does that mean to you? Do you mean to just say to yourself "OK, what is pissing me off? In laws, messes, dogs. I'm not gonna let that get to me OR I'm gonna say something nicely."?

I did not however ramp up nearly every single interaction we had because dear lord that's exhausting.

It does seems like she's looking to make the holes bigger, but I can do this /\ /\ /\

Also, I am an identical twin and I have that brother competition thing going on to an extreme. But I don't talk to my brother since about 5 years ago (surprise, right?).