Kindly and May, thank you for the company here, and your wise words. As much as I am grateful to be at home and really enjoying having time to garden and bake and read again, the closeness to H just sends me through so many small and big waves of grief again. Sometimes they are triggered by something he does, and I know I'm on the detachment journey, but much of the time they start because it's just harder to put him/us out of my mind when he's around. Sometimes I hear him talking about his family to someone on the phone, and I just feel sad that they're not my family anymore, too. This time last year we went to dinner with a friend for his birthday and I had no idea BD was coming in about six weeks. It's the last photo I have of us together, both of us smiling, him leaning close.
He asked me if I was going to make more cookies last night, and I said, well, I was thinking about making something he likes for his birthday this weekend. We normally always make each other cakes, and he still made me one after BD last summer. That's okay, he said--I don't want anything. So that's settled. I won't make the dessert I'd been wondering if I should make. I'll just tell him Happy Birthday.
A human moment today, just one that makes the periods of craziness easier to roll with: surprise--he was taking an online painting class at the kitchen table (watercoloring was something he used to do when we met). I noticed he was using the special set of paints I made him for our anniversary in November after BD... it was a pretty sentimental gift, and I'd just left it out for him with a short note and was prepared for him to not accept it, but he ended up taking the set and note and keeping it with all the other inconsequential notes he'd saved from me after BD. He showed me the painting he did for the class. Very nice color and texture.
May, I'm taking your advice and trying to give myself a break and let the grief travel through me. In between sadness and the other feelings that come with this MLC roommate lately, I felt a wave of gratitude, too: yes, it bothers me sometimes that I don't understand how H will proceed or why we're still roommates at this point in time, but also, I focused on how thankful I am to live in this house and have his health insurance and help with expenses, how thankful I am to have my cat healthy again, how thankful I am that my family is well. There are so many things to be thankful for in this challenging and uncertain time, and the pandemic does help put things in perspective.
Kindly, it's very, very helpful to see how you break down what's working for you. I think each time I read something here I internalize it a little bit more. Or I re-read something and because I'm in a different space it resonates in a new way.
Originally Posted by Kindly
When I focused on the timeline I too feel ‘distracted’ by ‘what do I want?’, ‘how long do I live like this?’ ‘what if he never comes out of this MLC’? By erasing the timeline I let all these ‘thoughts’ wash over me and tell myself I don’t need the answer now.
Ah, yes. The timeline. I go through this exact thing every day, it seems, and whenever I feel myself worrying over those questions, it does help to remind myself it's okay to have the questions, and I don't need to know the answers now. Now I can just focus on whatever is right in front of me. I think sometimes interactions with friends drive these questions, as I tend to see myself from an outside perspective, then, and can get caught up in thinking this situation must seem hopeless to them. And I can't explain why H says we're getting a D but he doesn't really talk to me about it and, well, we're not there yet. I don't have answers for them either—and I know I don't have to, but it does get me thinking about the questions again.
Originally Posted by Kindly
Sometimes I don’t know if I want to do this anymore either, sometimes I want to wring his neck, sometimes I’m just so overwhelmingly sad for him and me. I tell myself it’s all allowed ~ look what we are going through!! Somewhere in this I find and continue to strive for COMPASSIONATE DETACHMENT.
Yes, yes, thank you for this validation. Like May's give yourself a break! Sometimes all of this comes alongside the striving for compassionate detachment. (And I will go read DnJ's post to you again!)
Kindly, you also reminded me that we are pretty good at taking care of things ourselves! Yep, the house and the yard--I've learned to how to rely on myself to figure things out. I would keep going but my posts always end up so long. I'll be visiting your thread soon!
H is watching a lot of reality shows lately, so Real World MLC is even more on my mind. I really think it could take off!
Brownies sound fabulous and are on my to-bake list. I'm finally back to pre-BD weight. Yesterday a local sweet shop had special pints of mint cookie ice cream that sold out too fast for me to get one, so I made a small batch of Thin Mint-type cookies and am planning to crush them in mint chip ice cream. It's a good thing we don't have an ice cream maker... but also, I sort of wish we had an ice cream maker.
