A little lost - possible MFC wife

[Believe6]

Yes, this weekend was productive. We need to do work on the house/yard so we worked together on putting in a chain link fence/gate. It went well, we were able to work well together, we always have worked on projects well together, and it was good to feel like we accomplished something.
On Saturday, W was feeling down because of the lockdown, so she suggested we get all the foods we would get for a party, if we were having one. So we did, then got on Zoom with some friends and did the jackbox.tv games. It was fun and very much needed.

T- it's good that you had some fun moments. As our MLCers are in pain, confused or even numb, any positive feelings are good ones. Unfortunately, we aren't going to be the cause of them at this time.

There are times it seems like she is trying to make it work, then other times when she isn't. We have another marriage counseling session on Wednesday but we haven't done what the counselor suggested yet. After our last one, the counselor sent us "homework", and W and I talked about it, I said you need to let me know when you want to do this, she said ok, but hasn't brought it up yet. I don't want to nag about it so I haven't mentioned it either.

We were going to counseling too and at first my H was totally open and really loved our therapist. Sorry, but this is common. My H tried for 3 months right after bomb drop (BD), but then he just did a 180 and decided not to try anymore. He actually started to shut down. The feelings we talked about were just too much for him. I could see it in his eyes and in the way he couldn't clearly state his feelings. My H is avoidant-- conflict and emotional. He was always affectionate and loving, but any negative emotions he would stuff down. Anyway, I could tell at our last appt which was weeks ago now, that he just couldn't really participate. You can tell when they stop wanting to talk or do the 'homework.' This is why therapy sometimes is worse as they can't be honest in there and it can be seen as "push/pull" behaviors for them. And worse if the therapist doesn't understand MLC, they will often steer them wrong. Sorry, I am still in the midst of this, but I do believe others who say this is true.

I also stopped saying I love you at night and when I leave for work in the morning. It feels weird though because it's something I've said for 23 years. She hasn't said it back to me in weeks, and I've kept it up so stopping is hard. It's automatic. But this is one of the rules right?

So, like I said, my H did a 180. And I mean from being there for me, going out of his way to apologize, etc... to NOTHING. No more affection. No more "I love you" and we said it so much during the day people would comment, even friends at work who heard me talk to him (been unemployed, but since I've been home I would often say it or text it or email it). But not anymore. He hasn't repeated it back in weeks and it hurts too much to keep saying it. Plus it is considered push/pull behavior. They feel like we are trying to manipulate them or make them feel guilty. That may not be our intention, but somewhere inside, we want them to remember that we love them, right?

They can't handle that right now. When they think about us, if at all, we are the cause of their pain. Us loving them and them loving us has caused their life to suck. Sorry, but I think that this is what is happening with them. They need someone to blame for the pain, guilt, sorrow, loss, etc. that they feel. We are the closest people to them so they must choose us. Some even choose to take it out on kids, pets, close family too. But we will always take the brunt so we have to step back and detach. We can love without making it front and center. When they say, let go of the rope and detach, they mean it. Otherwise we will drown with them. In our own pain and misery.

I'm still working on me, praying, reading more books on how to deal with depression and exercising daily.

But I do have to ask, the point is to be the best version of yourself. Work on me and improve myself, but doesn't that include being more attentive to those you love? Seeing how they are doing, complimenting them when they look good or doing something good? I do that with my kids. Being a good person is getting out of your own head and focusing on others, how does that jive with the almost ignoring W? or am I misreading the 37 rules?

You are actually NOT ignoring W. You are "respecting" her. Have you ever had someone like/love you when you were younger but you didn't feel the same? They kept calling or trying to get you to talk to them or have friends intercede for you? Remember how awkward and uncomfortable you felt? This is MILD compared to what our MCLers feel.

Right now, we are the cause of their pain. We actually cause them more pain by trying to intrude on their need to heal and figure themselves out. They keep saying here, "we didn't break them so we can't fix them." Most of us are fixers. We don't want to see the people we love in pain. But that also means we are in their business too much. They can't hear themselves or deal with their own feelings when we continue to shove our feelings in their face.

We have to let them deal with their own feelings and stop expecting them to give us what we need and deserve. They just don't have it. They can't. They are in their own darkness. So when we ache for them to hold us, when we want to be told how precious we are, how special our love was to them... we need to TELL OURSELVES that. They can't do that right now. They are completely disconnected from those feelings about us.

Worse yet, if there is another person who is giving them what they need, we are now seen as the enemy (maybe we already have been) but in this scenario as the reason they can't have their one true love or the happiness they want. They don't realize that they are using another person to feel something that will only die eventually. That if they don't face this pain, this confusion, this trauma, they will never be who they were meant to be... never ever really be happy. They even may convince themselves that they were. But if you look deep into their eyes and see their spirit, you would know that they weren't whole.

But again, that's not for us to fix. That's for them. This is her journey. You can not go on it with her. You have your own. Your kids need you to focus on your own journey. To look for your own validation of your own life. For you to hear your own inner voice and heal your own wounds. This is our job now... Our job is NOT the MLCer. Our job is to be our best self for ourselves first, then our kids, then the rest of the world.

Once our spouse comes out of the tunnel, we will need all that we have learned and all the ways we have grown to help them. But NOT NOW. Now is for you.

I know it is so very hard. I am so very sorry. We all have to go back and forth with this love thing. Yes, in normal circumstances, our love would make a huge difference to our spouse. But unfortunately, not now and not until they show signs (actions not words) that they are ready to receive. Until then, they use the anger/hate/indifference to hold us off because their feelings are too much for them to bear. They can't deal with our pain and their own. Even when we think we aren't giving them our pain, we are. Trust me. When I pray and ask God to show me how I need to change to help my H, that is what I see. I see him not being able to deal with his grief, guilt, anger, sorrow, confusion, fear... and mine too.

It is not loving to expect him to respond as he used to. He is not who he used to be. Not right now, so if I really want to love him, I need to stop and give him what he needs. Space, time, respect, silence, compassion, empathy, understanding... and most of that is done silently. In my heart and mind, I still talk to him. I still praise him for his strength, courage, love, dedication, all the years of all the moments of all my life... I thank him. But it's only in my mind and heart (sometimes in emails and letters I write but send to myself).

And maybe, I pray, when he comes home to me, I can share all that with him. But I know too that will have to be in phases. Please keep reading about MLC. It will make it easier to understand why we must do it this way.

Blessings