Why are you so so fixated on this bike ride? Do you think this bike ride is going to change everything? That going on a bike ride with you would be the magic bullet?
I honestly let the idea of a bike ride completely drop after he drove off on it 1 1/2 week ago.
Unprompted it was brought up by him randomly at the end of a moveout session 1 week ago. I was caught off guard and surprised. My H has some memory issues - example every time he is at the house he states "oh I've got to get those hinges for the gate". Its something he wants to do but when he is not here - out of sight out of mind - until he comes to the house and "sees" the gate. It would be just like him to want to take me on the bike ride and then remember an hour after he leaves the house or later that day. I realize its no longer my job to remind him of things. I never ever bring up the gate... I probably was very wrong to bring up the bike ride.
Is it a magic bullet??? No. But, it would be a 180 for me and something that was important to my H before he left.
I doubt it will happen. I certainly will never bring it up again.
It’s not a 180 for you. It’s a 180 you are desperate to prove to your H.
Let it go. Focus on things you do for you, not to impress your H. Especially ones that make you look clingy and pursue . It won’t be attractive to him.
Focus on 180’s you do for you, that involve you and don’t include something he might “see”
Sometimes we need to learn how to put things down and let them go
It’s not a 180 for you. It’s a 180 you are desperate to prove to your H.
Let it go. Focus on things you do for you, not to impress your H. Especially ones that make you look clingy and pursue . It won’t be attractive to him.
Focus on 180’s you do for you, that involve you and don’t include something he might “see”
Sometimes we need to learn how to put things down and let them go
I hear you. That's why I said I would never bring it up again.
I backslid and initiated texts with him last Saturday. Not again. I will only respond to his text if absolutely needed.
KC - I know this is all very tough. Hang in there. There's a difference between letting go of the bike ride and not focusing on it internally vs. externally. You maybe didn't mention the bike ride for a week to him, but internally haven't let it go yet. Why would this bike ride be enjoyable? It's more than likely not going to meet up to your expectations - not sure if it represents a bygone dream for you, or that it's easy to ignore the current situation and get away from it in a make believe world for a while, but ultimately it'd be a bike ride with your husband who has moved in with OW and wants to D. Sounds miserable. As far as the candy, I wouldn't read in to that.
From the contact he does have with you, I agree with AS - sounds like he is just too lazy to get docs himself or do legwork himself, and realizes it's easier to get you to do stuff if he isn't being a jerk about it.
The list of things that you are doing for you sounds great - don't lose focus on yourself by focusing on your H. What made you text him on Saturday, anyhow?
KC - I know this is all very tough. Hang in there. There's a difference between letting go of the bike ride and not focusing on it internally vs. externally. You maybe didn't mention the bike ride for a week to him, but internally haven't let it go yet.
That's just it... when he rode off on the bike... I had written it completely off. Internally and externally.
Its when he brought it up all on his own days later about taking me on a bike ride that I thought maybe... and then frankly was confused by it. Would OW be okay with H taking his W on a bike ride??? It seemed weird.
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Why would this bike ride be enjoyable? It's more than likely not going to meet up to your expectations - not sure if it represents a bygone dream for you, or that it's easy to ignore the current situation and get away from it in a make believe world for a while, but ultimately it'd be a bike ride with your husband who has moved in with OW and wants to D. Sounds miserable. As far as the candy, I wouldn't read in to that.
It would be enjoyable in and of itself. The fact that he was wanting to spend some time with me? Seeing me as the W he used to love?
I know NOT to read into the candy thing, it just left me dumbstruck. Everything going on and you want to bring a tin of candy you bought with me in mind 6months ago? I would have just given the candy to someone else rather than driving 2 hr to return. Again, I know it means nothing.
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From the contact he does have with you, I agree with AS - sounds like he is just too lazy to get docs himself or do legwork himself, and realizes it's easier to get you to do stuff if he isn't being a jerk about it.
Yes, it was business. I suppose he thinks we are being friends... I get his paperwork and he says thank you 3 times in one afternoon - not typical to say thank you.
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The list of things that you are doing for you sounds great - don't lose focus on yourself by focusing on your H. What made you text him on Saturday, anyhow?
Honestly - I wanted him to be sincere about the bike ride. Honestly - I missed him (BUT WOULD NEVER TEXT THAT). He actually engaged me in conversation. He actually validated me in discussing my work meeting.
But, I know it was a stupid thing and probably set me back a bit and just screamed to him I'm still waiting on you.
I will not text him again unless I need to respond to something he texts to me.
Again, I have been a bit a Negative Nancy. So, I will say that in the last 10 days we are at emotional neutral. There hasn't been an angry exchange of anything in the last 10 days. So I will take and leave it there... walk away and keep working on myself.
Hi KC, First off I wanted to thank you for your support and kind words in my own thread. Every little bit of support and positivity helps. My 2 cents are just that 2 cents. But imo, I think it’s possible he’s is just being friendly. I think it probably makes him feel better about leaving you and moving on. I don’t think it’s anything but to placate his own emotions that while he may be leaving you, and hurting you dearly, at least he’s being kind/civil about it and that makes him feel better about the decision he’s made. Maybe I’m wrong, but I do think it’s a real possibility.
I do hope you (well all of us) find peace, contentment and most of all happiness in ourselves.
Me: 40 EX:37 Together 17 years Married 16 years 5 kids, 20,18,15,14,11
Would OW be okay with H taking his W on a bike ride??? It seemed weird.
Why does this matter? It seems you are searching for any glimmer of a weak link in their relationship, which is understandable because you are hurting, but ultimately takes up so much of your time. Why wouldn't she be OK with it - he moved out and you are not a threat to their relationship at this moment, and a bike ride wouldn't change that.
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It would be enjoyable in and of itself. The fact that he was wanting to spend some time with me? Seeing me as the W he used to love?
It seems the best part of DBing and working on yourself is that you get away from needing so much external validation from others. Why is his opinion so tied to your self worth? You have so many great other things that are there to lift you up. I know this is all a lot easier said than done. You have a lot going for you, and have had a lot of really great advice from others. Switch the focus back to you.
I'm eating right MOST of the time. I'm exercising. I'm getting sleep. I'm staying in contact with friends in the best way possible in light of the quarantine. I get to work everyday. My home is clean. My pets looked after. I'm pursuing focusing on new techniques in a long time hobby. I'm reading/listening to audiobooks. I've got 30 day goals I'm working towards that are all about me - not H or my M. I'm doing a 10week course on saving the M but its really just more stuff focusing on me --- dropping the negatives and thinking positively.
DBing is about no longer going down cheeseless tunnels... its about seeing what works to get a different response from your S and doing more of that... right?
If I'm looking fantastic and acting as if... my head is held high and I'm exuding confidence and this will not break me gets my H on his own accord mention a bike ride with me... who knows if he can ever follow through but it was his idea and his alone (not based on me begging and pleading). If he thinks enough of me to bring a tin of candy because he bought it for me months ago when most people would have chucked it.... then so be it.
There was so much anger in our interactions before 10 days ago. He was so angry. ^^^^ Those are breadcrumbs I know. They mean nothing and they are no where near where he is at a place if ever to recon. I get that.
If I'm doing something different that is getting a different response than anger... then YES I am doing something right??? I'd like to think that. BUT, maybe the more experienced people here know its the calm before the storm???
Maybe its because the other shoe is about to drop???
Maybe JoeS is right and he is placating his own emotions due to the guilt of all the pain he has caused me?
Shouldn't I feel better that we have seemed to come to emotional neutral now from such a negative emotional state on his part?
Either way I know that it doesn't change anything in my immediate future. I still need to focus on me. H isn't changing his current course at this point in time and he may never. I'm the prize... I have acted in a way in the last 10 days that I have immense value. I'm proud of that.
I want to start off by saying I have nothing but compassion for what you are going through but I have to shoot straight with you here.
Originally Posted by KitCat
Am I working and focusing on myself. .
Yes but with the intent of getting your H back.
Originally Posted by KitCat
I'm eating right MOST of the time. I'm exercising. I'm getting sleep. I'm staying in contact with friends in the best way possible in light of the quarantine. I get to work everyday. My home is clean. My pets looked after. I'm pursuing focusing on new techniques in a long time hobby. I'm reading/listening to audiobooks. I've got 30 day goals I'm working towards that are all about me - not H or my M. I'm doing a 10week course on saving the M but its really just more stuff focusing on me --- dropping the negatives and thinking positively..
These are all fantastic! Keep it up for YOU!
Originally Posted by KitCat
DBing is about no longer going down cheeseless tunnels... its about seeing what works to get a different response from your S and doing more of that... right?.
Not it is not about getting a response from your spouse. Your changes have to be real or they won't stick.
Originally Posted by KitCat
If I'm looking fantastic and acting as if... my head is held high and I'm exuding confidence and this will not break me gets my H on his own accord mention a bike ride with me... who knows if he can ever follow through but it was his idea and his alone (not based on me begging and pleading). If he thinks enough of me to bring a tin of candy because he bought it for me months ago when most people would have chucked it.... then so be it..
Your BSing yourself and you are certainly not exuding confidence. A confident person would not pursue someone who is rejecting them.
Originally Posted by KitCat
Maybe its because the other shoe is about to drop???.
What other shoe can drop? He's divorcing you and moving in with his affair partner.
Originally Posted by KitCat
Maybe JoeS is right and he is placating his own emotions due to the guilt of all the pain he has caused me?.
Joe is a very wise man! Unless he is a psychopath he feels bad for hurting you.
Originally Posted by KitCat
Shouldn't I feel better that we have seemed to come to emotional neutral now from such a negative emotional state on his part? .
Yes if your goal is a friendship. If not it doesn't really matter.
Originally Posted by KitCat
Either way I know that it doesn't change anything in my immediate future. I still need to focus on me. H isn't changing his current course at this point in time and he may never. I'm the prize... I have acted in a way in the last 10 days that I have immense value. I'm proud of that.
Again the prize doesn't chase after the contestant. You are saying the right things but your actions speak a complete different language.
If I'm doing something different that is getting a different response than anger... then YES I am doing something right???
That was your non-DB coach's goal if I recall correctly. What do they say about it and what's next? Thinking of the last four DB situations that went to R, getting the WWS or WAS to act neutral wasn't a key step. Often the WWS or WAS was actually upset the LBS stopped cake eating and they felt loss or worried about loss.
Originally Posted by KitCat
I'm the prize... I have acted in a way in the last 10 days that I have immense value. I'm proud of that.
In the last 10 days, didn't you chit-chat about wanting a bike ride with him and help with his affidavit and financial order? From a distance, to your H, those probably don't say "difficult-to-obtain prize I have to work for". As LH19 says your words are there, and I like hearing all the bits you're doing to work on you.
