It’s nice to see you working on figuring stuff out. It does take a certain amount of understanding to move forward.
Originally Posted by Tmason
But I do have to ask, the point is to be the best version of yourself. Work on me and improve myself, but doesn't that include being more attentive to those you love? Seeing how they are doing, complimenting them when they look good or doing something good? I do that with my kids. Being a good person is getting out of your own head and focusing on others, how does that jive with the almost ignoring W? or am I misreading the 37 rules?
HaWho’s comment about dragging W around during a tango is apt.
Complimenting and being more attentive is a facet of self improvement - when the other person wants that attention. Love is a two way street here.
The expression - if you truly love something or someone let them go.
In a nutshell, that’s what you are seeking to be able to fearless do. Let go.
Originally Posted by Tmason
I understand that, but one of her complaints was that I didn't compliment her enough. I'm not over doing it, like following her around and saying something every time she does something. If she dresses nice for work, I'll say she looks good. I'm trying to balance it out, but I don't see how stopping all together is beneficial. I'm not trying to be antagonistic, I'm just trying to figure this out, which is hard to do!!
I know you are not being antagonistic. This is counterintuitive, it’s take time and questions to see and understand.
People usually show what they are desiring in their behaviours. For example, you complimenting her. You want her to compliment you as well.
Her saying nothing right now to you, shows she wants emotional space.
Of course you can be polite and friendly. You are not trying to ignoring her, or punish her; more mirror how she behaves.
If you were interested in someone, you’d probably introduce yourself. Have a conversation and see where things go. Like you did with W so long ago. W responded in kind and you both moved forward into a relationship.
Currently, those rules and behaviours are not the normal for her. She is confused and conflicted. She is in crisis and needs space and time to sort herself out. This has nothing to do with you. You didn’t break her, so you cannot fix her.
This is the crux of MLC and our path. Letting go. There is so little we can do to affect the MLCer’s path. These hurting people were placed on their path a long time ago, waiting for a trigger to start them along. Once the LBS gets the BD things are well beyond control and there is no reversing this emotional train wreck.
That is MLC - an emotional train wreck. One in which the LBS is not invited along. Most LBS do get all sorts of justifications, blame, and anger projected upon them, but they are not the underlying cause.
The LBS, focuses on themselves, lets go, and becomes better not bitter.
Pressures and stresses W will not handle well. She will run from them. The efforts you are doing are currently pressure to her. How can you tell? Look at how she responds. Not how she used to respond, nor how you want her to respond, how she is actually responding. Right now, it is a pretty one-sided effort from you.
As said, there are times she appears to want to make it work and other times she doesn’t. That is the problem. When you push during a time when she doesn’t want to work on it, well that isn’t going to go well.
People in emotional turmoil do hide and mask their emotions, really well. Even from themselves. It is very common for them to wear a mask and pretend things are something they are not.
Let her lead. If she compliments you, thank her and compliment her. You have the right idea, nothing big and over the top, always seeking a balance. It’s the timing, and being patience. Need to let her show when a good time is.
Positive feedback could slowly encourage change within her. The caveats, she needs to want the feedback, she needs to want it to be positive, and she needs to want to change. Ok, so a couple of hurdles.
T, you’ve being dragged into a world with your W where the normal behaviours and known interactions no longer apply like you know they used to. I know it seems scary and crazy. Have faith, it is not hopeless. The future is unknown and will reveal itself in time.
Do ask questions, read posts, vent, seek guidance. You are not alone in this, many people are in the same boat you are.
You will get to the other side. Stay strong.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
