So, then I said I feel like that is her way of telling me she is still seeing another man, and if her heart is with someone else then there is no way she will feel compatible with me. She sent me back a pretty angry message, saying it just shows how selfish I am, and that I'm acting like the past 7 months is solely because of her affair and none of her feelings leading up to it. That I just have to always place the blame elsewhere. Except we had literally just talked about how that wasn't the case.
Okay, let me try and show you how I know she has a wayward mindset (even if she's not having an affair at the moment). First of all, the quick anger is a big clue. After all, waywardness is primarily based on resentment, disrespect, and rebellion. It's like the WW thinks the betrayed H shouldn't feel hurt & anger at her, and he should just get over it.
Secondly, she still wants to hold you responsible for her feelings......especially, her unhappiness.
Thirdly, she wants to justify her affair, by blaming you for everything that led up to that point.
Last, but not least, she is too defensive. She doesn't want to take full responsibility for her own actions.
At first, I thought it was laughable that she called you selfish, but on second thought, if she saw your lack of attention in the MR as selfishness........then I don't doubt it triggered anger. She may see selfishness in most things tied to you, IDK, but it's a very sensitive area for her. So much, she hasn't let it go, and she justifies the affair by this selfishness she saw....and still believes she sees...in you. I mean, it would be easy for her to relate everything you say and do with the selfishness she believes you to have. In order for her to heal and get to the point of reconciling, I think she'll have to be able to forgive you. Otherwise, this resentment will eat away at her, and it will always be there between you. She will use it for whatever she doesn't like at the moment.
I believe all WW's have to find forgiveness for their H........b/c the level of resentment is so deep. She has to forgive her H, and he has to forgive her for all that was tied to her wayward behavior. It might sound illogical or unbalanced to the ears of LBH's here.......but she has her own brand of work to do, just like he has his. Trust me, in spite of sounding unequal, it's just as hard for her to find forgiveness, as it is for him. Why? B/c of her hard heart.....the negative mindset she developed and all the negative emotions she's allowed to rule. She has to be healed from it, if she's ever going to be happy in a relationship with her H.
As much as you'd probably like to pass this information along to your W, I don't recommend it.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
