MLC newbie- new thread

[Believe6]

Thank you all for your birthday wishes and support. I will admit, my emotions have been all over the place. I get so lonely sometimes. The kids are old enough to be doing their own thing and although I try to reach out, I don't want to be a nag. The weather is all over the place so a walk was out of the question yesterday. It may be out again today.

I have been reading so much about standing and MLC and trying, trying to find my emotional footing. I know I need to continue to look within to help me heal... what about me did I give up for this marriage? What did I let go of and want back? What was ok to let go of and didn't do me justice? What needs to be forgiven both for me and for him?

What about him didn't I like? Not the MLC stuff, that's not really him. But the other things over the years did I not really see and is it something I can live with going forward or will that need to change? Will he even want to change once he is through the tunnel? Not that i need to worry about that now, I know... but I need to know what I want in my relationship with him and what I will be willing to accept/forgive.

Life is a cycle, I know. We had happy hour with friends and he was acting like the old self. It hurt because I know he was making jokes and acting all sexual, but it wasn't about me. He hasn't even touched me of his own accord in forever.

Like May says, I need to stop giving him the power. The hugging, apologizing, etc.... he can't handle it. But how do I fake being happy with our friends, especially the ones who don't know and who we don't want to know?

It is so very hard. I want these memories and moments for me. Not just for him, but for me. To be able to talk to our friends as a couple and as individuals. It makes me feel human and connected and like "me." I don't and won't give that up. But the pain of seeing him acting like that is hard too. Especially when he won't joke and play around like that with me like he used to.

It's a pickle for sure. I keep asking God to be my protector during these times. To keep my heart safe and secure. That I can't have any expectations about what will happen with H. I can only lean on me during this time.

I did tell him last night after the happy hour and he asked what was wrong that it hurt that he could act like that. He said it was always just about him. He never meant for it to be a sexual thing to include us, but that's not true. When we'd make innuendos in a group we all knew it was about us as couples. We even talked about it over the years that it was about the couples and now he's rewriting the script. I know that's what they do when they are trying to reassert their own voice and thoughts.

He told me he thinks we've been codependent. A term he has never said to me so I believe that's what the OW told him before. I know he's still somehow being influenced by her... and that most likely there is still contact even if he is lying to me that there isn't.

Regardless, I do think we have gotten codependent. Interdependence is ok. It's necessary for healthy relationships not just in marriage, but in work, etc. But codependence is not. That is why I have been dealing with my loneliness on my own. Not sharing that or any of may pain... or at least rarely sharing.

I don't regret the honesty we had last night. He is back in the bed on his own as of the night before. It's strange and he won't admit it if he knew... but most nights, he'll roll over and hold me. Last night he held me really close. His arm and his whole body was aligned with my side. I just breathed. In his sleep, I think his soul remembers. He held me for a long time. And I just let that feeling of gratitude wash over me. If it gives his spirit peace in his sleep, so be it. Because I need that too. And if that's the only affection I can receive from him, even in his subconscious state, I'll take it.

No I don't think that it will solve anything. And I am letting him do his thing throughout the day. But it's ok for me to be able to savor the little joys... the holding from my S and D, and these unconscious moments where the world is open... and life is as it was. Even for a moment.

I pray for all of us on this Sunday after Easter. May the peace that surpasses all understanding be with us on this day and every day. May we stand in the light...our own light and the light of God (universe, love, etc.) Blessings