Affair Fog-LRT 4

[sandi2]

Yesterday she asked me if I was in contact with any of my ex's and I explained that after BD, I joined Facebook for the first time. When I did that, a lot of old friends, including ex's reached out and started messaging me. These convo's were completely innocent and were months ago. However, my W got very upset and was saying I was inappropriate.

I believe I gave a warning about her trying to turn the tables.

I really wasn't and offered for her to look at the messages to calm her nerves about it.

Why?.......Why?.......Why? I warned you not to let her put you on the same level as the WW. She is the one who is suppose to be transparent. And you offer to let her see your phone? Did you give her any passwords? If so, you've put yourself in a bad situation, and you better hope she doesn't discover your activity on the dating site, or read your posts on the DB board. I warned you she'd try this cr@p and you are not listening.......or else, you don't believe I know what I'm talking about. Your work is not the same tasks as her work, so stop acting as if you are a cheater, and stop getting in the boat with her. She is still very wayward. If I knew nothing more than how she questioned you about old GF's on FB, and saw her reaction of calling you "inappropriate", it's enough for me to know there hasn't been much change in her mindset. She wants to pull you over into the same boat, by making you out to be as "bad" as she. She does it to lower the heat that's on her. Pretty soon she'll start pointing her finger at you and saying you cheated, too. Do you get what I'm saying?

Please Note: A fairly good way to gauge her inner progress, is to observe her anger. Since WW's blame their H for unhappiness & pretty much anything else, she will be very challenged at hiding the anger that's simmering right under her skin (if she's faking a work in progress). Here's another thing to observe. If your WW is faking, then she's going to highly resent being transparent for more than a few days, and for having to prove herself. You see, WW's have a lot of stubborn pride, and you'll be able to detect her resentment in her attitude, and things she says under her breath (or maybe not under her breath). Frankly, I think that's one reason she was trying to find out what you'd been up to on FB, so she could accuse you. Goes to show how important deep remorse is. Also, humility takes care of the stubborn pride, resentment, etc. If you aren't seeing much humility, and she's getting all uppity about your FB activity........I suggest you hold out on the move home.

Last, but not least, the number of times she apologizes doesn't carry the real weight .......if there is no remorse. I mean, it's possible to recognize the wrong and apologize for it. It may not be a gut-wrenching apology. Some WW's are great actresses, so IDK if you are able to determine if she's remorseful. I always tell LBH's not to be impressed by a few tears, b/c most women can squeeze out a tear. Maybe she doesn't really feel much remorse, and she's simply trying to do the right thing and get on with her life. As long as she remains NC with OM, and she is showing respectful behavior and speech toward you as her H......that's a promising start, in my book. Feelings are made to respond. If she is genuinely doing the work (and not faking it), then feelings will eventually match her actions........and so will her attitude........and so will her speech.

I'm at the point I'm going to say she can move home but I'm waiting for our MC appointment on Wednesday to discuss with her.

IMHO, she is not ready to move back. She just wants her house back. You want her back. Neither of you are ready. You think so much progress has been made, and I'm telling you it hasn't. Your MC advised to take it slowly and give it more time. I'm concerned you will waste all those hard days you spent alone, by letting her come back too soon and too easily. If you let her come back too soon and too easily, neither of you will put in the hard work that's needed for a successful piecing. It's as if your eyes refuse to see anything beyond just getting her physically back into the house. IDK, maybe you don't care, just as long as she's in NC with OM......you're okay with it. Let's see, how many hours has it been since last contact?

Bottom line.......if you don't wait to hear what the board says, or talk with your MC, please don't think you have to stop posting. Just b/c I want to shake the liver out of you, doesn't mean I want you to quit posting. Even if I think you've done a no-no, .......I appreciate you being honest about it. We can't help you if we don't have the truth.

((hugs))