I agree about MLC being catchy. I think misery loves company. They all had each others hands to hold while they left their wives. Surprisingly, during the first 2 years, my husband abandoned them all (socially only)-(he works with some) and started a whole new group of friends with OW. He just recently has started socializing again with some of them.
He has kept OW a secret from everyone and still is. Even after BD2. He doesn't know who I've told. He hasn't asked me. Because he hasn't really admitted to having a OW. In the BD2 correspondence with me where I included a photo of them together, details of their lavish vacations together and called him a cheater he answers with 'it' isn't productive to discuss'. But hasn't acknowledged she exists. IDK why. It doesn't affect our divorce in our state. It's weird.
I know he wanted to be my friend in the beginning. He told me that after BD1 that I was his BF and he wanted to continue that. I told him I had lots of friends and the only spot open for him was husband. I think he still wants my friendship.
He is lost at knowing how to have a relationship with S2. When he's reached out in the past it was because he wanted to vent about S2, get relationship advice or have me help facilitate his relationship with S2. Even our most recent phone call about the death of our friend-after 6 month gap, he asked my advice in dealing with S2.
I know H most recent act (flowers, wine) was guilt motivated and an act of kindness. I'm taking that. I deserve it and I enjoyed it for a day. My expectations from him are 0. I know there would have to be a lot more from him before I ever had hope he was trying to reconcile.
feminine energy-interesting-I'm googling it as soon as I'm done. I've been doing all the other things. And it feels great.
The OW. aargh. Yep. No one knows what tomorrow will bring. But I am the wife. I have a lot more power than her. I'll let them have each other now-I don't want the man he is today anyway. I'm hoping that his secret being out and Covid19 preventing them from vacationing, wining and dining will cause their fantasy bubble to collapse or at least lose air.
His parents. Yikes. His dad left his mom AT his 40 bday party because he was gay. H was11. Dad totally abandoned physically and financially my H for 5 years until H is16. Dad reunited with H for 2 years, H cares for him and dad dies. H is19. So. I can't compare, really. geez. I'm probably screwed. His mother. Malignant narcissist who counted on an 11 year old to support her emotionally. Than marries an abusive, narcissist man who she knew hated her kids but it was about her needs being met. She hated me because I took H away from her. Her love was conditional. She died when H was 40.
Yes he has a lot of unresolved issues and until he addresses some of them ? it may be a while
sometimes a MLCer will come back only to leave again because the work is not done they run...from the issues and the pain
We have to decide how long we want to give this I moved on and Im grateful I did MY x is a real mess
Some get addicted to drugs, prescriptions, gambling, affairs, spending, vacationing ect.... they seek a life of fun and will run with it until the pain smacks them in the face again
then they may try other addictions to mask the pain. few really recover and it could take a long time but there is always hope
MY best advise would be to move on into a new life , work on yourself, clear your issues and watch from a distance
You dont have to date .. you can create a single fulfilled life and wait as long as you like this is totally up to each individual and many stand for many years
The ow helps ease the pain...at least for a few years they usually pick a loser to rescue..someone less in some ways than you or them
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
His list of issues to resolve does worry me. But I know he is open to IC and self help books. He did both before he moved out. (I believe he heard only what he wanted to hear and checked the box that he tried-it wasn’t focused on his childhood trauma because he believed he had a perfect childhood then) So if the time comes where he has to look within I think he’s capable.
I’ve learned about the value of him finishing his journey on his own time. Leaving the OW on his own time. So he can heal completely. I’m ok with that.
I protected myself financially. I GAL. I feel I am moving on without a D. Tomorrow I might feel differently. I’m allowing myself to take it day by day.
My H gave up all his hobbies when he started his MLC.
When he left he took furniture/household things from our second home only. He said he wanted the family home left just how it is. Than would try hard to never go in family home. He’d wait outside or if he had to go in he raced out as soon as possible. All hunched over and head down. Insane to see.
He has never asked for anything in the family home. I had him pack his personal stuff in boxes to take with him or store in our basement. He has never asked for any of his personal stuff he left behind.
Today I get a text from H ‘I am working on family tree (one of his past hobbies) and my research is in...how best for me to get that?’
I don’t know what to do. My instinct says wait a day to respond. And than let him have his stuff. I just don’t know.
Thankyou peacetoday for your response and support.
Since BD2 I’ve turned my emotional back on H. It was/is not hard for me to do. It feels very natural. Right now I don’t care how he is feeling. I don’t care what he is doing. I don’t want to be his friend. I have no desire to reach out to him about anything.
His reaching out to me since BD2 keeps catching me by surprise.
I did wait 6 hours on Saturday to respond. I know that had to be driving him crazy. He’s not a patient man and in the past would send ??? Within minutes of me not responding to his texts. I didn’t ‘not respond’ to play a game or punish him. I didn’t respond because I did have things I was doing on Saturday. And instinctively I didn’t put him at the top of my list. Which is a big change for me. I have always been a pleaser.
The stuff he wanted was in a trunk. I couldn’t lift the trunk with it all in it. So I removed it from the trunk and put it in boxes instead. I text him ‘I boxed it all and put it on my porch’
In the past I would have been chatty and friendly in our text exchange. I would have expressed an interest in what he’s working on. I would have offered him options to get his stuff.
After I text him I left on a walk without my phone. I get home and the boxes were gone. When I picked up my phone I saw he had immediately responded to my ^^^^^ text with ‘ok. What about the trunk? I’d like to keep it stored in there’ and than ‘And thank you’ and a couple text blurbs telling me how great I am with our struggling son, thanking me for that. And he’s heading out now to pick it up. And ‘Do you guys need anything?’ (He texts in bullets-so sent 6 texts within a minutes time) I hadn’t responded because I was on my walk but after reading it I than decided not to.
Sunday morning at 6am he sends me a text ‘why no response on my trunk question?’
I text him back a few hours later. ‘I didn’t see your text until after you picked up the boxes. I would have left it in the trunk but it was all too heavy to lift’ Immediately he responds with 4 text bullets ‘no worries’ than stuff about the sentimentality of trunk(his dads)and oldest son getting it some day and something crazy (his word) that happened that we both knew about. I felt I had to respond so I just text ‘Yes.Very crazy. I felt he wanted more of me in our exchanges. I don’t want to give him that. But I also don’t want him to think I’m not still here if he is waking up.
It’s interesting to me how much he’s reaching out to me. (Was not the case pre BD2) He is always very kind and polite. I can still see how his initial instinct is all about him and his wants/needs but then he catches himself and adds a ‘thank you’ or ‘do you need anything’
HB had said something that I wrote down. Referring to LBS turning their emotional back after the OW is discovered. The MLC spouse can start being nice because they want to trick LBS back so they can keep both LBS and OW. She suggested testing MLC spouse by being nice and responsive. If MLC spouse reacts with anger and annoyance, than they are tricking you back. If they respond with kindness they may be awakening.
Well done on the conversation with H regarding his stuff and the trunk.
Boxing it all up and placing it unceremoniously on the porch and just informing him was perfect. That’s about the best way for you not to get roped back in.
If he wants his trunk, and I can see the sentimentality of his Dad’s stuff, put it on the porch as well, and inform him.
Originally Posted by MissnM
I felt he wanted more of me in our exchanges. I don’t want to give him that.
You are probably correct. H did want more from you.
Most MLCers want to feel that you are right where they left you. They will check on you once and while. And poke and prod if you have moved forward. They will attempt to rope you back in.
Originally Posted by MissnM
But I also don’t want him to think I’m not still here if he is waking up.
Two things on this in my view.
First, he probably needs to feel what it is like to loose you. Most MLCers, or people in general, turn and go after what leaves. It’s natural, once something is removed, one feels its loss and desires it emotionally. MLCers are very slow, and confused. It takes them a long time, and many attempts for them to get to that point - if they ever do. Or if they ever admit they do.
Second, don’t worry about what he thinks. Meaning, do not make decisions with his feelings as your first consideration. Focus on you and your life. Of course, with all else being equal, behave in a manner that causes the least conflict. And that is true for all your interactions with everyone in your life.
Originally Posted by MissnM
The MLC spouse can start being nice because they want to trick LBS back so they can keep both LBS and OW. She suggested testing MLC spouse by being nice and responsive. If MLC spouse reacts with anger and annoyance, than they are tricking you back. If they respond with kindness they may be awakening.
That may be true. It does take a long duration of consistent behaviour from a MLCer to gauge where they are. Remember they are running on emotions and can and do change their feelings pretty quickly.
Having H responding with kindness is obviously going to feel better than him all aggravated. If he demonstrates a long term trend of kinder behaviour that would be a welcomed thing. Focus on you and see what he is capable of.
I have a question. I’m wondering where H moved to? Did he move in with OW? Do you know where he moved to? Some MLCers are really secretive. I’m just curious.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Usually they reconnect with the kids first... What is his current relationship with the kids? His old friends? His family?
spouse last
I would continue to do as you are leaning way back...focusing your energy on your future plans with or without him and right now it is without him no expectations
Keeping yourself safe..relationships with kids, family and friends You can respond and be cordial dont initiate
he may just want a friendship since you are being so kind to him he may be thinking friends?
IDK -- but I would be careful they want to keep us hooked even with no intention of returning
Only time will tell..they also have touch and goes where they seem normal..then back to MLC land also the crises may have affected him to want to clear things with you and this can be the only way he knows
If he is serious it will take time to really see his motives truthfully rarely do we see a spouse return ,but it does happen
read Westos thread and Gordies...they had returning spouses
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Thank you for giving me your time. (I can’t figure out how to do the quote thing)
DnJ- He chose a really young, hip, arty, expensive area in the city. (Textbook MLC) Our family home is in the suburbs. He never told me where he was living and I never asked. Than, after about 6 months gone, I asked him for his address to send some mail that came to the house. He Kept avoiding answering. Still has never given it to me. So. Yeah. Secretive. I found out where he was living when a mutual friend told me. (They assumed I knew). Our 3 adult kids have never been there. They refuse to go. That upsets H. He has to meet them at restaurants.
The OW has her own apt. across town. He has a garage door opener to her parking facility. But keeps his place.
I think it’s because he doesn’t want anybody knowing about OW, especially his kids.
He can have the trunk. I found it interesting that he would push his luck by asking for it. I felt he was seeing if he could control me, maybe. She gives me an inch, that I don’t deserve, so I’ll see if I can take a mile. Idk. It annoyed me.
I wonder. If he’s being sentimental about his dad = trunk, he may be working through some of his dad issues (H at 11 yr old. Dad comes out as gay. Divorce. Dad Abandons H physically, emotionally, financially for 5 yrs. H reunites with dad at 16 yrs old. 2 yrs later dad gets sick, husband cares for him. Dad dies when H is 19.) H thinks of his dad as a saint. Definitely 1 of many repressed childhood issues.
Peacetoday- H went dark for over 2 months, than 5 days before Christmas 2019 wanted to discuss kids presents and plans. I didn’t answer. I was livid. He text my mom and she text back that I blocked him and didn’t want to see him or speak to him. He spewed anger at my mom.
I did not know about OW then. I did not know about MLC and DB techniques then.
I went dark for 6 weeks. It was the first time since he left that I did that. In February I sent him a text. He didn’t respond right away, than text something sulky, than we were back to being friendly. 3 weeks later BD2. I turned my emotional back.
Now. Knowing about MLC, I think some things may have started changing with him when I went dark in dec. and is continuing since BD2.
Yes. I believe he is reconnecting with old friends and family.
I don’t get to know a lot of what he’s up to. I don’t see/talk to him. Friends and family don’t share with me. But I hear bits and pieces. I know since dec he has started socializing with 2 different guy groups that he had abandoned. In January had lunch with a mutual friend for her may 2019 birthday. He text my brother about something random- hadn’t reached out to him for 2 years. Working the hardest he ever has on his relationship with S2. (Struggling child-my H felt like a failure) Talking with D about family tree stuff (his once abandoned hobby)
Even if all that above is his waking up, I know the road ahead is still long. And that we may never reconcile. But I will always have hope for his healing and our reconnection. Nothing else feels right.
Last edited by job; 04/21/2001:55 PM. Reason: added space between paragraphs for easier reading
I think reconnection is always possible for any MLC Family what that may look like may vary from family to family according to what the MLCer is like when/if he wakes up and what the LBS wants
Does he drink or use drugs? if he does, then there is an added issue of addiction which I belleve is a loosing battle for any spouse unless the MLCer makes gets help in AA
Probably a friendship is a good place to start and that would give you and him both space and time to see what happens I think the key would be to be kind and treat as an old friend see how he shoes up for you an kids?..
then you can adjust your choice as the days pass
The friendship probably has to come first, b4 any new relationship And you can always end the friendship or create a co-parenting friendship if it moves that way
either way no expectations work on healing you be cordial upbeat and kind have an exciting life wait and C
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
