Thank you DnJ, cadet, believe6 for your understanding and support. A lot of really thought provoking words. I had been obsessing about my behavior after BD2 and how to handle it, for 6 weeks. Since I wrote it all out here I haven't thought about it since. I knew journaling is cathartic. It's even better with validation. I'm so thankful for this platform.
I'm not technology savvy and can't figure out how to put quotes from what you wrote to respond directly to them.
The second bomb drop was horrible for me, yes. My heart still races thinking about it. But, I believe, it was needed for me to find this space of support and learn what is really happening to my husband. And, I've discovered, I will be ok with it if it means it can heal him.
It's been interesting to see now how much of a fog I was in after BD1. I'm sure I read all kinds of things about MLC back then but only retained and acted on a few pieces. I can now see so clearly his gradual slide into MLC before BD1 and my role changing in our relationship to fill in the voids. I was thinking he was overstressed from work so I would make excuses for him and pick up the slack, be a pleaser and fixer than be resentful and disrespectful. I also know that I had my own broken inner child that I had never worked on. Broken people attract broken people. His BD1 sent my abandonment issues, etc. into a tailspin and I shut down. Which sent me to my IC-(the best thing that could have happened for me). My IC told me I was experiencing my own psychological trauma from BD1.
I did know at the time that his personality became the opposite of the man I knew, yet I would still apply the old H morals and values to his new behavior. For example-I would discover something really questionable, when I asked him about it he would give me an explanation and I believed his explanation because he was never a liar. My mom and friends would say 'red flag-I think he's lying' and I would state inequitably 'he is not a liar, that's not who he is' or 'he would never do that to me'. I would even defend my husbands behavior to my IC. I now know every one of those questionable events, he did lie to me.
I can also now clearly see the dysfunction in our M relationship. We appeared to our kids and our closest friends that we had this strong, envious, loving relationship. I believed it too. In truth, we both struggled horribly with communication. He would stuff, run and avoid conflict, I would obsess, assume, please and avoid. Unresolved issues piled way up. We knew nothing about validation.(OY!)
What is so obvious and clear to me now was absolutely not clear than. I try to remember that when I think about him being in and coming out of his MLC fog. He can't see what is so obvious now just like I could not see what was so obvious then. I wouldn't even listen to the people closest to me that I knew loved me best when I was in my own fog. I can remember thinking 'why would they say that? what am I not seeing?' But still did it my way. I understand why he won't listen to me now. The brain tricks and lies to protect you. That's for sure.
I know that I am a stronger, wiser, healthier person today than I was before this started. I know there is a lot more I can learn about myself and do for myself. I still cry everyday for my husband, our family and our marriage. But it's not in Target anymore. Or during Easter dinner. Some days I flip his picture frame down, sometimes I flip it up. I still only sleep on my side of the bed. But I sleep all night. I still keep his shirt under his pillow. Grief is a process. I am in a position where I don't talk to him or see him hardly at all. I like it and I hate it. I miss him. I don't need him.
I don't feel qualified to give anyone advice or my opinion in relation to MLC. But I can commiserate with what they might be feeling. And with how hard and outright depressing this is to live with. My heart breaks knowing the devastation you have been facing. I find Covid is making it especially hard to move forward by forcing me to sit still.
I have this affirmation by my bed, at my desk, on my refrigerator. I love it. I read it at least once a day.
I accept I can't change what happened. I accept my husband is not there for me. I understand my husband is struggling and dealing with his struggles in a destructive way that has nothing to do with me. I believe my husband will come home. Not today, not tomorrow, but one day soon. And I will be patient. I am not perfect. I have looked at everything I've done and am doing and am working continuously to be the best me I can be. I do this for myself, for my kids, for anyone who comes into my sphere of reality. Because I love myself and want others to treat me with kindness always. So in return, If I want kindness from others, this is what I give. (unknown)
