I built something for 15 years. It fell apart. Now I'm left with the scraps and need to start building again. This time, I have 3 kids, estranged parents, huge support payments, and I'm living in a new place where I barely know anybody. It's going to be hard. Life is short, I only have one life, might as well embrace the challenge.
Life takes unexpected turns sometimes. You are no longer the same person you were at BD, you are better and stronger. That family fell apart, but now you have the tools to rebuild something better. It is difficult, life is not easy when you want to live a life with intention and purpose. But just like you said, we only have one life. We owe it to ourselves to keep pushing, keep fightning, and surviving.
Just want to drop by and show support. You got this.
Intellectually I know what's going on. I have this internalized toxic shame stemming from my childhood (CEN) combined with NGS. I "default" to assuming things are my fault. I doubt my decisions. It's really easy for me to feel like maybe I should just be an every-other-weekend Dad, maybe I'm not good enough or capable, maybe my kids really would be better off.
I realize this is the negativity and internalized shame talking. I can keep living that way, and make myself miserable, or fight through it.
I can overcome these feelings with effort, I just wish I would learn to "default" to a healthier position from the get-go.
It's really easy for me to feel like maybe I should just be an every-other-weekend Dad, maybe I'm not good enough or capable, maybe my kids really would be better off.
I realize this is the negativity and internalized shame talking. I can keep living that way, and make myself miserable, or fight through it.
That you're concerned about not being a good enough, but not using that desire for unobtainable perfectionism as an excuse to throw your hands up and not try, indicates you'll probably be a great at it.
Originally Posted by unchien
I can overcome these feelings with effort, I just wish I would learn to "default" to a healthier position from the get-go.
You seem like an analytical guy. You probably can guesstimate how many times you (or I) will need to overcome a default tendency with effort before they become skills we've completely mastered.
I'm sure this is ridiculously difficult for you right now. Remember you are a good dad, a good person, you have challenges in front of you but you will get through them with thoughtfulness and compassion. Your kids are lucky to have you. Hang in there.
May
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
I keep reminding myself... only one person is going to dig me out of this.
I have one overwhelming fear - going to court over the kids. I think it will make things with STBXW, and with the kids, truly awful. We are clearly on track for this to happen, even though I continue to make efforts to resolve things in other ways. This is my nightmare scenario. I have been offered compromises such as "we can revisit 50-50 in a year and a half" or "we can have a mental health professional help determine what's best" rather than what I think is fair, which is a ramp-up plan, agreed upon right now, so we can put everything to rest. I'm willing to negotiate the time with the kids, but I want to close this sooner rather than later.
I don't trust my STBXW to let things go. I spent 6 months in MC2 last summer trying to validate, listen, have a PMA, etc. For the first few months, I still hoped to work on the MR. I had my kids stay with me, and nothing of consequence whatsoever happened. And after 6 months, my STBXW said she trusted me 10%, instead of 0%, and asked me to write an update on my progress (seriously... and I declined). I need a written agreement that spells everything out. I can't live under her suspicion. If I raise my voice with my kids, if she doesn't like how I handle situations with them... will she drag things out longer? I have no trust.
I've been trying to figure out, other than the obvious factors (looming custody battle, the isolation of a global pandemic), why am I struggling so much lately.
I've accepted our MR is over. I've accepted I played a big part. So did she, but I don't focus on that much anymore. We reached a point where she was unwilling to work on her part, and that is that.
But at the same time... I recognize I haven't fully turned my head forward. There is a comfort in married life. There is always a partner there, even when there is discord. It always felt like there was a safety net there. I never ever considered us as candidates for a D. No matter how bad things got, whether it was my parents cutting me off, or challenges with having 3 small children, or going to MC1, I felt that things would somehow resolve. I took it for granted. But it felt... good. Even while our relationship was distant and cold, I always felt like there was somebody there.
That comfort was not entirely healthy. I get that. It's a sign of codependency. I had valid relationship needs. But I miss it. Full admission. I don't miss my STBXW, but I miss that life.
Maybe it reminded me of my childhood, having a strong-minded woman run my life so I didn't have to.
I'm not used to being alone, having to pull myself up emotionally. I need to be strong. It's either that, or be miserable. Nobody is going to save me.
You don’t negotiate with terrorists. 50/50 non-negotiable. If you go to court you go to court.
My L sent a partial settlement offer last week to try to resolve this issue. It is completely reasonable. I assume it will be rejected or just expire, but I'm trying to make headway.
I understand now why so many dads back down. I'm not going to do that.
It helps to come here and describe what's going on with me emotionally. I write it out and recognize that I need to be stronger and more independent and move on.
I have nothing but compassion for you but WTF does this even mean? What man backs down from spending time with his children? If it’s not to piss of the W then that’s exactly why they are in this situation in the first place.
