MLC circus

[Believe6]

MissnM,
I am so very sorry. How hard you were already working to stand and to have another BD after so much time must have been devastating. I can't really add much to what DnJ and Cadet have shared. I am fairly new here, but find that as I read other stories, allow myself to wade through my own life/story, I am starting to have some good moments every day.

Sometimes it feels like these emotions are going to swallow me whole and that I am going to drown in them. It is hard to do anything but think about how to save this M, especially being in lock down with the whole family. But we must find ways to refocus on us.

I am delving into my own shadow side. Looking at what I did during our marriage that I should have done better or where I gave up my own voice to keep the peace. I had what most have called the perfect relationship. We were so in love. We meshed and the affection, passion, and joy we felt in each other was palpable. Finding out about his affair last fall was completely devastating. It still is, to be honest.

But once I figured out he is in MLC, it all started to make sense. Him saying he's been unhappy for at least 2 years, when you couldn't tell from our interactions... well they all rewrite their own script. I do think he was feeling depressed for the past 2 years. He even mentioned it to our friends that we may all be going through a form of MLC... he said this back in late 2017 or early 2018. But it wasn't until his dad passed last march that this started to spiral, ending in the affair over the late summer early fall.

So here we all are, facing what our spouses didn't want and we didn't want. People who were so solid, honorable, loving, kind... probably also conflict avoidant, overly catious with their emotions and wanting a happy home (only).

I know for my H, any negative feelings had to be repressed. We couldn't really feel to deeply or for too long. Problems weren't supposed to be discussed or faced. If it seems like it would stress either one of us out, the converation had to be avoided.

So we did and we lost each other. And here I am, not able to still talk about those things which need to be discussed. But I know it's because he just doesn't have the strength or emotional capacity to deal with it. Like DnJ says, we must treat them with compassionate indifference.

I know he can't be there for me or face his own inner demons. So I have compassion for what he is going through by being detached. Letting him tell me what he wants. I am re-reading about validation and trying very hard not to label his feelings or saying, "I know you feel..." Because I really don't know what he feels or even if he can label it. I may think I know, but really I don't.

Sorry, I've been digressing. Please just know that as you respond to him with listening and validation, that will do more to open the door than anything else. Oh and something else I believe, if you've been married to someone for a long time, they can energetically feel if you are trying to control, fix, or manipulate them. It is imperative we all learn to detach or drop the emotional rope. They must feel free to feel their own feelings. Some moments I am able to do this and some I can't. But we can't appropriately GAL if we are constantly looking at them for their approval or if they need us.

Hope this helps. Blessings!