I keep reminding myself... only one person is going to dig me out of this.
I have one overwhelming fear - going to court over the kids. I think it will make things with STBXW, and with the kids, truly awful. We are clearly on track for this to happen, even though I continue to make efforts to resolve things in other ways. This is my nightmare scenario. I have been offered compromises such as "we can revisit 50-50 in a year and a half" or "we can have a mental health professional help determine what's best" rather than what I think is fair, which is a ramp-up plan, agreed upon right now, so we can put everything to rest. I'm willing to negotiate the time with the kids, but I want to close this sooner rather than later.
I don't trust my STBXW to let things go. I spent 6 months in MC2 last summer trying to validate, listen, have a PMA, etc. For the first few months, I still hoped to work on the MR. I had my kids stay with me, and nothing of consequence whatsoever happened. And after 6 months, my STBXW said she trusted me 10%, instead of 0%, and asked me to write an update on my progress (seriously... and I declined). I need a written agreement that spells everything out. I can't live under her suspicion. If I raise my voice with my kids, if she doesn't like how I handle situations with them... will she drag things out longer? I have no trust.
I've been trying to figure out, other than the obvious factors (looming custody battle, the isolation of a global pandemic), why am I struggling so much lately.
I've accepted our MR is over. I've accepted I played a big part. So did she, but I don't focus on that much anymore. We reached a point where she was unwilling to work on her part, and that is that.
But at the same time... I recognize I haven't fully turned my head forward. There is a comfort in married life. There is always a partner there, even when there is discord. It always felt like there was a safety net there. I never ever considered us as candidates for a D. No matter how bad things got, whether it was my parents cutting me off, or challenges with having 3 small children, or going to MC1, I felt that things would somehow resolve. I took it for granted. But it felt... good. Even while our relationship was distant and cold, I always felt like there was somebody there.
That comfort was not entirely healthy. I get that. It's a sign of codependency. I had valid relationship needs. But I miss it. Full admission. I don't miss my STBXW, but I miss that life.
Maybe it reminded me of my childhood, having a strong-minded woman run my life so I didn't have to.
I'm not used to being alone, having to pull myself up emotionally. I need to be strong. It's either that, or be miserable. Nobody is going to save me.
