Limbo over, now separated but in lockdown (part 3)

[Pommy99]

Thanks Wooba and May. It’s really hard at the moment. We have another 3 weeks at least of lockdown, and even then I think we will be severely restricted for a few more months.

It has been difficult to make a decision between being able to spend huge amounts of time with him and cutting him off as much as possible. We did briefly touch on it when we talked the other day and he did also say in some ways we should be spending time together because we only have each other, but on the other hand we shouldn’t be prolonging the inevitable, which is separation. I’ve got to the point where it hurts too much to have him but not have him, all on his terms, so I think cutting him off is the way forward.

He hasn’t replied to my message from 24hrs ago. I’ve probably spent too much time wondering how he reacted - whether he felt remorse, guilt, shame, anger, indifference, justified etc. He does keep telling me, just as he has done for 6 months, he feels guilty for hurting me. I wanted to explain exactly what it is that caused me the pain. (E.g him leaving me to look after 2 children on my own doesn’t cause me pain, whereas his betrayal/behaviour with OW does cause me pain).

I think you are right May that I have started doing what’s right for me. In some ways I feel like I am using lockdown to punish him by denying him opportunities to come to the house, have adult company, enjoy the garden etc. That does make me feel mean. But on the other hand I remind myself that he chose this path, and I’m not going to bail him out and make his life pleasant for a few weeks, knowing that as soon as he can he’ll be out of here without a backwards glance. For as long as I keep accommodating him, he’ll never learn to miss me and I’ll continue in limbo, until he effectively walks out the door for the second time. I’m willing to take one day at a time, hoping that I’ll grow stronger. Of course deep down I’m hoping he will continue to miss me and have some amazing revelation that he’s made a huge mistake. Realistically I don’t see that happening for a long time, if ever.