Searching for calm with shelter-in-place roommate

[Kindly]

It's funny--I feel the longer this goes on (not sure if "this" is post-BD life or shelter-in-place or a combo of the two--probably a combo), I am having a harder time channeling what I want for myself, which is to respond with empathy and kindness and compassion. Kindly, I feel like you are very much living this way. I am living it but not always feeling it lately, if that makes sense. Reading Grace's comments about love being not a feeling but a choice, not given because someone deserves it but because they need it was really helpful. It all seems so clear and simple, but all the feelings that are coming and going in me lately don't feel simple.

First of all Cardinal, big big ((((hugs)))). I feel strange ‘giving advice’ because regardless of whether my posts show it or not I too have the same flare ups and feelings you describe. Instead of advice, I’ll share what I have worked on and what I find is ‘working’...again for ME.

1. Erase the timeline ~ we are advised early on that this is a marathon, not a sprint. However, I feel that human nature is wanting of progression. This ‘standstill’ behaviour in our H’s is a slow form of torture. So we can’t help but watch and wait and be hopeful that something drastic will change. We get so hopeful with the nice behaviour and poking out...only to be disappointed again. I realized that I was hanging on to MY timeline of wanting to get on with life with him. I realized that this was not me ‘dropping the rope/letting go of the tangled leash’. I also realized that it was me having expectations of HIM. When I focused on the timeline I too feel ‘distracted’ by ‘what do I want?’, ‘how long do I live like this?’ ‘what if he never comes out of this MLC’? By erasing the timeline I let all these ‘thoughts’ wash over me and tell myself I don’t need the answer now. AND most importantly bring the focus back to me as best I can. Have you read the pursuer/distancer posts? I believe I found it in the link that job or cadet sends out when you first arrive here. If you haven’t it’s def worth the read.

2. Stop judging myself ~ I’ve been slowly learning to just let myself be where I am. Living in the moment. I’m finding it easier right now with this pandemic. Even though I’m working part time, I rarely know what day it is!! Stopping is something I don’t do well. When I have to sit with my own feelings it’s AWFUL. But I’m teaching myself and learning to be ok with whatever comes. Sometimes I don’t know if I want to do this anymore either, sometimes I want to wring his neck, sometimes I’m just so overwhelmingly sad for him and me. I tell myself it’s all allowed ~ look what we are going through!! Somewhere in this I find and continue to strive for COMPASSIONATE DETACHMENT.

(Check out my page, Dnj just wrote a post that ties into all of this and gave me goosebumps). To sum up when I stopped judging myself for my thoughts and feelings I could then just be and there is some peace in that. This makes sense in my head better than it does in writing....I hope it maybe helps a little in at least letting you know that you are fine and that what you express is all part of what I call my (his) ‘rollercoaster’...feel it but don’t get on!!!! Continue with your baking and bread ... or tap into your creativity that you mentioned in a new way.

I'm also probably feeling extra down because H seems to be withdrawing more from me as his birthday approaches. I realize now how nice it was to be sharing food and having small conversations for the first few weeks of this. If anything, I know I can 100% expect periods of coldness or near-silence from H followed by periods of friendliness—I've gone through these cycles again and again! But it still gets me a little.

THIS is difficult for those of us living with our partners and it def ‘gets’ me too. I just got a dose of this this week. Not fun. Feels counterproductive and I’m still fumbling my way with this one cause it’s new H behaviour for me, but detach don’t pursue. Get off the rollercoaster. You are doing better than you feel you are.

I said a couple posts back that I know who I am, but I also realize BD has disrupted parts of that identity that felt so solid before. All of this is to say I'm dealing with a lot of uncertainty in the best way I can, and trying to get better at it.

Of course it has, I can 100% relate to all of this, including the children part. I made a responsible adult decision for our situations and chose H. This now hurts. There will be constant feelings and thoughts we must wade through and there’s no handbook for that. I’m learning to give myself a break. By reaching out on here I feel much less alone and the tools that are offered are invaluable.

You ARE getting better at it Cardinal. And I know I don’t know you, but from your posts alone you seem like a strong, loving, funny, compassionate, smart woman. Yes there are real life fears and worries (jobs, money, house). Just remember it’s empowering to get ourselves back. We didn’t want this to happen but it did. I’m finding out about strengths I never knew I had. I can take care of this house and the yard by my self. Would I like him along side me ...yes...but that’s not an option right now. But I know he’s noticing, cause sometimes he’ll jump in (and then be angry with me mentioning about moving plants around! Haha!)

When have you ever let yourself down? If you have, did you bounce back? Did you take care of you? Focus on the YOU things IN CASE this goes further south. Continue with your creative outlets and continue looking for a full or part time job so you feel safe. None of this is easy, I had an epic meltdown yesterday dealing with the L stuff again...but today is a new day and now that next step is done - equaling less worry and fear.

Sorry for the long post I hope maybe there’s something that resonates with you....

Cardinal is here and she’s doin’ just fine!!!!! I also really wish you could send some of those blueberry muffins through this forum!!! Yummmmmm