A little lost - possible MFC wife

[Tmason]

Thanks for all the advice. I'll stop the notes, but it does seem counter intuitive as it was something she mentioned. When we first were dating, we both wrote letters/notes to each other. Over time that stopped. So I thought starting that again would help, but if it's making it worse, I'll definitely stop.

------Be careful and do not engage in relationship talks right now.

This is difficult since we are still going to Marriage Counselling. The counselor gives us homework to do, Marriage Meetings, had us make a list of the years and the good times and bad, etc. W is on the fence about it, she does it, but not as enthusiastic as I am.

I'm seeing a counselor which is very helpful for my depression. I've been seeing him for about 2 months now, the past few have been through video due to the virus, but have been very helpful and freeing. I do feel like a weight was lifted off my shoulders by finally admitting my suicidal thoughts. I'd never told anyone, ever, and it was as if it doesn't hold any power me anymore. Do the thoughts still creep in? yes, but I have tools now to handle the thoughts so I don't go into that hole anymore.

W has separate counselling with our Marriage Counselor. She had one yesterday and she talked about it with me after, which was good. She talked about how she feels like she is at a crossroads and needs to make a decision with her life. She said she doesn't want to live alone, she hates being alone. She said she is just very wary of me slipping back into depression and doesn't want the pain of me being emotionally unavailable again. She is struggling with forgiving me, because she knows that if she forgives, then she has to try in the marriage again. But if she holds on to the resentment and unforgiveness, then she can walk away.

So I don't think her MLC is as bad I thought. I think she doesn't trust that any changes in me will last. I know that this will take time. It's good to have a place to come to for support.