The other thing at play for me here is the confusing feelings of detaching but still obviously caring about this person and knowing that they are not “well” but don’t know it themselves.
For me I look at this as two separate items - detachment and indifference.
Detachment means you are not uncontrollably dragged around emotionally by H’s emotions, or behaviour. You have uncoupled your emotions from his inputs. Detachment also means you still feel.
Indifference is when your emotions towards H become muted. At this point, feelings do surge back and then fade again, each cycle getting less frequent and decreasing in amplitude. It takes a while to get used to having no feelings - it feels wrong. Completely counterintuitive to what one thinks they should feel.
The void left behind from those feelings will press, demanding to be filled. Nature abhors a vacuum. Temptations and other feelings will look and appear much larger than they really are, when against the backdrop of the indifference of the void. Stay the course, even that feelings will wither. After all, feelings change. Follow your beliefs.
Originally Posted by Kindly
I detach, I focus on myself, I repeatedly tell myself I’ve been fired and this is what he wants and that I’m not the cause of this...but even as it comes to the business side of things I feel my emotional mind attempting to take over. For example ~ I just recently made a big move to protect myself financially that I know is going to affect his “plan”...instead of being fine with my ‘business decision’, I’m worried that he is going to get himself into a financial mess by borrowing or doing something silly to get extra funds to facilitate his running behaviour.
Make your decisions based upon rational logical thoughts. Yes, one’s feelings do go against some “business” decisions - perfectly normal. Remember feelings change, let them. Do what you know is right, and allow your emotions to catch up. Have faith, they really do catch up.
Originally Posted by Kindly
How does one detach from the “he’s going to mess himself up bad worry”? We’ve worked so hard to get to where we are and I can’t believe how bad he’s jeopardizing us and HIMSELF. I’m struggling with putting these thoughts to rest. I know I must.
Realizing and worrying about the potential problems and mess that H may get himself into is the first step.
It’s not detaching from this worry, it is becoming indifferent towards it. That is accurate. And when things are seen accurately one can find their way easier.
I do hear you - “I’m struggling with putting these thoughts to rest. I know I must.” It’s not your thoughts that are at the base of this struggle. It’s your emotions.
Your thoughts are being influenced by your feelings. Use your thoughts to influence your feelings.
You made a business decision, using reason and thought. Your emotions are naturally pushing back. That influences your thoughts and induces worry; a nice little self feeding loop. Uncouple it, and let it wither.
Worry and doubts about your decisions will look and appear larger against the backdrop of the void of indifference as well. Mountain vs molehill.
You must protect yourself and have security. You are still the most important person in this equation. Yes, H most likely will make some major financial blunders; you don’t want to get wrapped up in that.
You control you, not H.
He is going to do what he is going to do. Your compassion allow him the freedom to do it - well accurately he’s going to do it regardless. Your compassion leads to indifference and the ability to forgive both him for his actions and yourself for not stepping in.
That, I think, is one of the hardest demonstrations of caring. Compassionate indifference.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
