Good for you in admitting your suicidal thoughts. I know how freeing that is. That is an excellent step.
From what you stated, you confessed to W, after she dropped the bomb about wanting to leave because you were emotionally unavailable.
You know and feel different and are trying to prove that to her. You need to stop trying to prove it, and just be it. Living it is the best proof. She will see it.
She is giving you the ILYBNILWY speech. Pull back on the pressure - pull way back.
Originally Posted by Tmason
This conversation has happened a few times:
Me: I understand that you’re unhappy, that's why I'm saying we should work on the marriage.
Her: No… I just need space.
Me: Does that mean you want a separation/divorce?
Her: Yes? Hmm. Well, no, I don’t think so. Maybe… Not right now. I just need space.
Me: So you want to stay together, but you don’t want to work on the marriage? What DO you want?
Her: I don’t know what I want right now.
T, stop the pressure or your going to push her right out the door.
A few things for you:
She feels you are emotionally distant and unavailable. Your first line is exactly that. You do not understand what she feels. People in crisis or emotional distress don’t want to be understood - they just want to be heard. You are telling her she is unhappy.
Try - I’m sorry. Or, I’m sorry you feel unhappy. If she has mentioned being unhappy.
That’s it. Nothing about working on the marriage. And especially not “you’re unhappy, that's why I'm saying we should work on the marriage”. That is presuming her happiness and unhappiness is based upon the state of the marriage. No, her happiness and unhappiness is from within, not from external stimuli like marriage.
Steer clear of that pitfall. it is emotionally un-listening and wrongly equates her feelings to your marriage. Something you don’t want. She will project more than enough all on her own, you need not provide fodder.
- - - - Her: No… I just need space.
Me: Does that mean you want a separation/divorce?
Her: Yes? Hmm. Well, no, I don’t think so. Maybe… Not right now. I just need space.
Me: So you want to stay together, but you don’t want to work on the marriage? What DO you want? - - - -
Listen to her.
What does she want? Space!
Give her time and space or she will take it.
If you don’t want a separation or divorce, stop mentioning it. Quit asking about it. Every time you do, it reinforces her feelings a bit more. Give her space and time to allow her feelings to subside, so she can look inward to see what is really causing her emotional stress and pain.
She actually is saying she doesn’t want a D. She doesn’t think so. This is good. Let it be. Let her be. Focus on you.
Do stop with the notes as well. She doesn’t mention them, and they will appear needy and desperate. As hard and as counterintuitive as this sounds - she doesn’t want or need to be reminded of you right now. She needs space to find herself and realize she still loves/likes you. Sorry, you cannot force this, it speed it up. She is in her time line and it will be a lot slower then you want.
Focus on you and your kids. Be kind and cordial to W, and respond to and basically mirror back whatever she is willing to discuss. Most times it will be small stuff, which is just fine. Be careful and do not engage in relationship talks right now.
Originally Posted by Tmason
I'm 100% willing to work on myself and this marriage to be the best version of myself to her. She doesn't seem interested in working on the marriage or herself. All she talks about is going out with her friends. She doesn't want any physical contact, I get a hug maybe once a week, but nothing else.
I'm wondering now, if she is going through a MLC. My depression pushed her to this, but as I work on my depression and want to work on the marriage she is not interested.
For now, take working on your marriage out of the equation.
Yes, 100%, work on yourself.
She doesn’t seem interested in working on the marriage or herself. This is common. People in emotional turmoil suffer from depression. She will not be able to work on the marriage until she heals herself.
If this is MLC, and it may be, then this is a marathon not a sprint.
T, you have the gift of time, use it wisely.
Focus on you and the kids. Read the homework and threads around here. There are many wise and compassionate people here with much hard earned wisdom.
I think it is good that you are going to IC. Do you find it helpful?
I am less sold on the benefits of MC until both parties have turned back and want to commit again. IMHO, and from my experience, most counsellors do not understand nor do they believe in MLC. Most parrot back whatever the person says, and when that person is convinced themselves of their “new” life and how bad the old one was - the professional puts the seal on it. Professional validation - a MLCer’s best enabler.
If W suggests maybe not continuing MC, go along with her idea.
Changes need to be small and softly implemented. It works best, if they actually suggest the change.
Again, I am sorry you find yourself here. I hope you take the advice with all the compassion it is given with. I remember how harsh things sounded when I first arrived.
Stay strong. Hope to talk again soon.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
