MLC circus

[DnJ]

Hello MissnM

I am sorry for the situation you have found yourself in. Please know you are among friends and people who know and empathize with what you are experiencing. The compassionate people here have much hard earned wisdom; this is a good place to have found your way to.

I am glad you have read MWD’s DB and are reading threads of those here. A site you mentioned (I’ll be vague since I believe it is against the policy to state other similar sites) is a good one. However, in my opinion there are many many many other sites that do more harm than good.

You sound like a woman who is willing to do the difficult work of self reflection and personal growth. A woman who realizes this is no quick fix for herself. A woman of sincerity, loyalty, and honour.

If I may, stick around here, this is a good place, a safe place, a place of healing.

I'm praying the door is at least now cracked open. I want him to turn towards me when he's through the tunnel. I don't know what the right next step is.

Help me, please.

M, the door is cracked open.

You control the door. If you have it open a crack then it is.

H, controls if he turns and walks through or not.

The next right step - focus on you.

You have been at this for a while. Your BD1 was two months after my wife’s dropping the bomb; 2 1/2 years, goes quickly and slowly, at the same time.

Don’t beat yourself up over past mistakes or errors. It’s ok. Be gentle on yourself. MLC is a wildly bizarre time to witness and find understanding with.

I will be clear on this (and many other things). “I do believe your H is in MLC.” It sounds like it to me. There is no medical diagnosis, or test, that can be administered to prove it. Lots of people do not believe in MLC. And lots of people have a very wrong idea of what a midlife crisis actually is.

You have lived it, like us here.

I want back on my Standing platform-and I don't know how to do it. I'm afraid because of my freak-out during BD2 the door is closed.

As I said you control the door.

I understand and empathize with your freak-out and melt down during BD2.

You pushed really hard for divorce and yet interestingly here you are, still married or non-divorced if that is a more accurate description. H did not push. 2 1/2 years. Interesting.

Now, focus on you.

You want to get back to standing. That is a worthy and achievable result in my humble opinion. You are no where near beyond hope, as far as I’m concerned.

H needs time and space. You know this and have read it. H will take time and space if it is not given, and he will run over anyone who gets in his way.

One of your goals, and a reason for focusing on yourself, is to allow H time to realize you have not been causing his pain and problems. We know, you are not the cause - his long ago unresolved trauma(s) are the cause - but he doesn’t know that. Hopefully, with time, he realizes you haven’t been around, so you cannot be the cause. Then he looks elsewhere. We hope it is towards himself.

A person in crisis cannot handle pressure. Their emotions are cranked to eleven. Anything emotional is pressure. They cannot handle their own feelings, never mind your’s or anyone else’s.

Let him be. Be cordial. And focus on you.

GAL. Get A Life. Find things to do. Stuff you’ve put off, forgot about, dropped due to marriage and kids and whatnot. Find those fun things again. Try new stuff, see if it speaks to you. It’s pretty amazing the fun new hobbies you might start.

GAL, serves many purposes. It takes your focus off H and places it on you. It helps with you detachment and mental health. It gives you something to do instead of pinning for your spouse. And it allows you to stand easier.

if you pay too much attention to the behaviour of your H, it will eat at you. Yes, we all need a certain amount of understanding to let go and move forward. Your goal is to detach, and find indifference.

I am a strong proponent of compassion for these hurting and lost souls. Compassionate indifference is an excellent thing to strive for.

A lot of the suggested path for an LBS (left behind spouse) is counterintuitive. It will, and does, feel wrong. The advice can at times go totally against what you feel is the right thing to do. For example: begging and pleading - that is not a good thing to do. We all, at first, do that. It is almost instinctive, a reflex, to such a wild and unbelievable change of character in our spouse.

You’ve seen the complete opposite “alien” take over your spouse. That’s quite something, isn’t it?

There is little, to nothing, you can do to speed his journey through what he has to go through. At best your interactions amount to neutral; most attempts at manipulating prolong the MLCer’s journey. And for those that were shook loose out of the tunnel without completing their path, they do return for another time around and it is much worse than the first time.

Your path, the one you find yourself upon. The one that you never wanted to be on. It is an incredible opportunity for growth and contains blessings that you most likely cannot imagine right now. Please, have faith. Listen to the wise and hard earned wisdom of those that have gone before you.

Everything here is for you. It is all for your healing.

And in what may be most counterintuitive, you focusing on you and healing is your best chance at reconciling.

You will survive this. You can heal. That is number one. Reconciliation is a bonus.

Focus on the most important person in all this - you.

DnJ