MLC circus

[MissnM]

Me 54, H 52, M 31, T34, S30-M, S26apt, D27apt
BD1 12/17 ILYBINILWY, BD2 2/20 OW
moved out 4/18, moved back 5/18, moved out 11/18

Hello
I've read so many wise words on this site. I'm hoping you can help me.

My H is in the stereotypical, total cliche, following the exact script MLC. I think he bought the handbook. It's been the craziest, most painful thing I've ever experienced. Unfortunately, I did not truly know what was happening for a long time. When he went from the most decent, kind, ethical, moral, caring and intelligent human being I've ever met to the complete opposite overnight I went into my own psychological trauma fog. Initially feeling confused and deeply hurt by his actions and words and than angry and panicked. I spun. Everything was so illogical I couldn't believe it was happening. I spent valuable time trying to make sense of it all. To get my husband to see it didn't make sense. He told me he wanted a divorce, not a separation, but a divorce immediately BD2017. Our marriage wasn't perfect but it didn't warrant this. This was insanity. He made me crazy. I started to doubt myself and my perception of our marriage. What kept me sane was our closest friends and our kids perception of our marriage was the same as mine.

At the time, he had 4 other close friends that were leaving their wives. All marriages of 30+ years. I was a friend of 3 of the wives. I believe 2 or 3 of my H friends were also in MLC. My H was the last to leave. At that time, I was supporting my girlfriends, watching how divorce played out with them, taking notes, focusing on protecting myself emotionally and financially, emotionally supporting my kids-all in my own fog. We were all SAHM with executive husbands. All 4 of those divorces were final within months of the husband leaving. All 4 took different paths. All 5 H counseled each other.

I believed in my marriage and my husband. I love my husband unconditionally. I knew I had to stand. Not a popular choice amongst some friends(especially the ones divorcing), family and even my kids. They felt I deserved someone who treated me better. Worried I was in denial. I decided that I wouldn't be bitter and hateful towards my husband. I didn't want to live that way. I didn't want to be that person. I knew he was struggling with something serious even though I didn't understand what it was. I felt bad for him. I have never spoken ill of him to my children. I asked them to show him grace because he was struggling. My instinct was to GAL to make the time pass and fix myself, so I did.

From googling and a few books I knew enough to not pursue him or beg him to come home. I learned he was probably having something called a MLC which was caused by unresolved childhood issues and he would eventually come out of the fog (which I remembered reading as taking 6 months to 2 years-?!? and I had no recollection of reading that an affair is common?!? My foggy brain. ha!). I didn't delve farther for more information. The little I read made sense. I would give him time. I would fix this. I set the timer.

I gave him space and was friendly. He was friendly.
I asked my husband to get his hormone levels checked, see a therapist for depression, deal with his childhood trauma-(malignant narcissist neglectful mother, divorce at 11 because dad came out, dad abandoned him for 5 years, after 2 years reunited-dad dies, emotional/physical abusive narcissist stepdad). We went to MC. He told our MC he had a perfect childhood. He told me that all the doctors he went to per my request said he wasn't depressed, or had childhood trauma and that his IC said I was just looking for a reason to not blame myself or our marriage. I saw a IC. I kept my family life and home running as normal as possible for my kids. He disappeared. We would text each other every couple weeks, that turned into every couple months. He would usually only reach out if he needed something. And if I didn't reply right away (we are talking minutes) would ask if I'm mad at him. If we text he would have to go because he was tired. He was always so tired. He was unusually teary all the time too. He sobbed a lot.
About every 8+ months I would lose my s@#t and ask him if he's happy. Because, I'd say, I have a right to know if he reached his goal of happiness since he blew up our life and family for it. I'm getting a divorce..'.blah blah blah. Or once it was 'I can't do this anymore. (lots of tears and emotional hurt shared) I need to move on. I'm going to the lawyer...' Or 'why haven't you filed for divorce. you wanted it...' Each time he made a lame excuse why he hasn't. One was that we needed to sell our second home first. He kept dragging his feet about it. I find out from realtor when I asked why it hasn't sold that my H insisted it be listed for a lot higher price than he recommended. In one of my episodes I told him I was going to see a lawyer. He asked if we could just use the same one. I consulted with her. Have her ready to retain if that time comes.The signs are telling me he doesn't want a divorce or is not sure about a divorce. I know I need to stop bringing up the divorce, pushing the divorce along. I'm working on me.

I've learned with all the research I've done during the last 2 months that I was doing some things right, but a lot wrong. I'm sick about it. What changed that I finally found this site and am understanding what a MLC really is about? The OW. I made it clear to my husband that if he had a OW while we were still legally married I would consider it cheating, separated or not. And if he wanted to go in that direction he needed to divorce me first. He had claimed 1/2019 he never cheated on me and that he wasn't even thinking about getting into a new relationship. 2/2020 I found out about OW. He's been taking her on a lavish vacation every month for the last 8 months. Been spending large amounts of $ on her. The seeds for the A were planted in summer of 2017. I'm guessing EA started. She D her H 8/2018 and I'm guessing their PA started after.

2/2020 I asked him if he was seeing someone via text and he never answered. Than a day later when I was shown physical proof I went berserk via text. My text to him included name calling and some I hate you. My largest ever emotional breakdown. (Just for reference-my girlfriends and my mom all thought my text rant was very mild, considering. I never swore and the horrible names I called him were actually true-cheater, liar)(I'm still not proud of my behavior). His response, a day later, was he regrets how he handled things referring to our divorce, it (I'm assuming 'it' is his affair-he's never outright admitted to it) wasn't productive to discuss, I should appreciate he took great pride in keeping it all hidden, I was to stop harassing him and disparaging his character. He said he would no longer read my texts or send me texts and would only communicate through email. I felt like I was being skinned alive. I had anxiety attack so bad I went to the emergency room. I was a complete mess. I told my 3 closest friends and my mom about OW. Not my kids.

I was on a mission to move forward with divorce. I had to push H to schedule an appt. to divide our assets. He dragged his feet with all his usual excuses. We did go 45 days ago. First time I physically saw H in 6 months. He didn't greet me and couldn't look at me. So not him. I know it was all guilt and shame. I was prepared, unemotional and indifferent (which took everything out of me)at the meeting. If I had to speak to H I did. I focused on our planner. H was overly kind towards me about money decisions.
Since the February BD I've turned my back on H emotionally. It was very easy for me to do. Something in me just clicked. I lost the desire to reach out to him like I had in the past. No desire to share with him at all. If he emailed me(which was business only) I answered in as few words as I could. Very business-like and matter-of-fact. I never reached out.

I am now NOT pursuing divorce. He doesn't know this. I hope it will go back to how it has been for 2.5years- If I don't mention it, it won't go any further. If he wants it he will have to do all the work.

I got myself through the shock and despair of BD2, researched and read about what is really happening to him and what OW represents. Cringed at all my mis-steps. Amazed at how he follows the MLC script so exactly. Mad at myself for taking so long to get here. I have all Michele's books. And much wisdom here. Had to stop with my IC because of Covid. But spending lots of time caring for myself in other ways.
I want back on my Standing platform-and I don't know how to do it. I'm afraid because of my freak-out during BD2 the door is closed.

I have no idea where he is as far as MLC stages. I mean, definitely Replay since 6/2017. I don't see him. My kids and friends have very little to do with him. And they do not share with me anything they do know about him. I don't ask. I have no idea where he is in his MLC process. I know he still had OW 2/2020 which means replay.

2 weeks after BD2 H texts my brother about something random. Hasn't reached out to my brother for 2 years.( I did not know this happened until a week ago.)
6 weeks after BD2 I find out a family friend who was like a mom to me and very special to H had a serious accident. I chose to text him about her accident because, after much consideration, I felt it was the decent thing to do. He responded immediately. He never responds in the middle of the work day immediately. A very empathetic response toward how I must feel. He text he was there to help in anything I may need to do for our friend(she lives out of state), etc. I thanked him and said I appreciate him recognizing how hard her situation is for me and his offer to help. The next day our friend died. I sent him a simple'---passed away this morning' text and immediately he called my phone. (Hadn't called my phone for 9 months+-wait. I don't really know how long its been) Honestly. I was scared to answer. I didn't trust myself to handle it correctly. I was teary and emotional and he was teary and emotional. I made sure our talk was only about our friend. Not me or us. He had no memory of our friends accident details that I sent him the day before in the only text I sent him. So weird. I hung up first, politely, as soon as there was a pause.
10 days ago he sends a text and asks if there is anything he could pick up for me from grocery store(?) (because of Covid isolation-weird) Because he reached out I felt I should give him something. I asked for a couple grocery items and thanked him. He dropped off the items I asked for, plus 2 potted flowers, plus wine. Sent me a text that it all was on the porch and that he added a few things. I'm Flabbergasted. I text him that the items where perfect and the flowers were a beautiful surprise. His LL is AOS.
I know not to get my hopes up. It could mean a lot and also nothing. But I let myself enjoy it for the evening. It's the first time he has done anything nice for me in 1.5 years.
I'm praying the door is at least now cracked open. I want him to turn towards me when he's through the tunnel. I don't know what the right next step is.

Help me, please.