Also I just want to tack this on in an attempt to practice compassion for myself:
It's okay that I am feeling lost and afraid. BD opened up many areas of uncertainty in my life, not just my M and R with H. I still haven't found a job that will make it possible for me to support myself, and so my creative self/work/career is up in the air. I had the very great freedom in my previous life to pursue creative work and PT paid work, and to accept awards of time and money to travel to do this creative work and further that part of my career precisely because my PT job made it possible to be away for weeks at time. The creative work is a large part of my identity that now feels lost too, though I realize it only feels like it's lost. I'll just have to trust I'll find a way to rebalance that part of myself with a FT job that will make it possible for me to pay rent and eat. Job listings have become sparse post-Covid, which worries me, but I know a lot of people are going through this. BD also opened up all of these questions about having children, and whether I will be able to do that. I said a couple posts back that I know who I am, but I also realize BD has disrupted parts of that identity that felt so solid before. All of this is to say I'm dealing with a lot of uncertainty in the best way I can, and trying to get better at it.
