Would you believe I’ve now learned that my H too has started with the drug use...both edibles and vaping??? He’s bought a full store by the looks of it. Again someone who was disgusted by the frequent use of it in his industry. The reasonings behind Mlcr’s doing this make sense but it really is quite unbelievable...
Seriously? I can't believe it, but I can. I wonder what would happen if you put all the MLC Hs together in a house... like a Real World MLC series. Would they all talk about each other like they were rational but everyone else wasn't?
It's funny--I feel the longer this goes on (not sure if "this" is post-BD life or shelter-in-place or a combo of the two--probably a combo), I am having a harder time channeling what I want for myself, which is to respond with empathy and kindness and compassion. Kindly, I feel like you are very much living this way. I am living it but not always feeling it lately, if that makes sense. Reading Grace's comments about love being not a feeling but a choice, not given because someone deserves it but because they need it was really helpful. It all seems so clear and simple, but all the feelings that are coming and going in me lately don't feel simple.
I googled "surviving MLC" or something like that last night. I know I won't ever find any new info, but sometimes it is helpful to re-read some therapist's blog post or something, just to know it's all the same advice. Some stuff I clicked on happened to take a more negative view--that most marriages don't survive. I know the real answer is no one can know, but I am just finding myself in a more depressed place lately. I know I'm still afraid of the unknown future, and afraid that I won't have any semblance of old H in my life ever again. I still don't want to accept that. I still miss him. I still want a life with him in it, want him to grow through this. I still want to have hope, but it seems so unlikely.
Is it normal for this to seem more hopeless as the BD anniversary approaches, the first one especially? I tell myself the fact that it's been ten months is good, because time is passing and H is on his journey and I am on mine. We have both traveled in that time, though it might not be clear where yet. But I also feel that time passing is making our old life together less and less real. I know it's no less real--it happened, there was love and friendship. I know that, but I don't always feel it. Time passing also makes me feel like any future possibilities for us are less and less likely, but I don't think that must be true necessarily, because if it's MLC, what H needs is time before there could be any possible new R between us. That's why it's a marathon, right?
I'm also probably feeling extra down because H seems to be withdrawing more from me as his birthday approaches. I realize now how nice it was to be sharing food and having small conversations for the first few weeks of this. If anything, I know I can 100% expect periods of coldness or near-silence from H followed by periods of friendliness—I've gone through these cycles again and again! But it still gets me a little.
Reading Canbird's update made me really wish I could talk to H's mom about all of this. Not to get solutions, but just to have a connection with her again. Just to feel supported by her. And I guess I want to talk to her because (I hope) she would recognize and validate that there was love and friendship between me and her son too.
A baking update for Kindly and Wooba: I've been looking for recipes to use up my sourdough starter discard, so I've made a chocolate cake with it (I already want another), waffles, biscuits, and blueberry muffins. I'm getting ready to make bread and pizza dough next.
