Here's the thing, you have to put the focus on yourself for things to change. You need to get to a healthy and happy place. You need to address your issues and improve your relationship skills. So when you move forward with your H or a new person, you will have already done the work.
One of the things H said at BD was that I "wasn't even a decent person". That hurt but I understood where that came from. H felt I wasn't being kind to him. I probably wasn't completely unkind but that is HOW he felt. I hurt deeply when we were out grocery shopping and I saw a client, smiled and asked how X was doing. H made some comment about how I'm nicer to those people than him. It hurt BECAUSE in the past I could come across as short with him but that day I was making a concerned effort on my part to have an enjoyable shopping visit with him. Maybe that day WAS nice but he was triggered by the times it wasn't?
Quote
By not engaging your H in anything outside of what is absolutely necessary, is doing something.
OK - I need to change my mindset then. I keep our conversations business like as much as possible. I never talk about us or the S or D or money. Sometimes I do slip and see when he is moving slowly - "are you okay"? He will respond that his back was stiff... as it continued to bother him I said I was sorry his back was hurting... then he opened up more about his back.
If he asks questions like "why is the ladder out?" I answer them. I don't go overboard.
I don't text him unnecessarily with exception of the thank you, yesterday because he went above and beyond going over the trusses in the attic.
So despite urges to call/text like crazy... I don't... there fore I am DOING SOMETHING... and doing it right.
[quote}Right now, your H is not doing any work, but that is not your concern or responsibility. However, if he were to say he was ready to come back now, neither of you would be prepared to how challenging piecing is. Piecing is not easy.[/quote]
I get that. Not sure if H would ever do the work. Aren't people usually drawn to the path of least resistance. Right now OW makes him feel really good. Why come back to a W who you thought was controlling? There are no feel good emotions there.
Quote
Next month, my W and I would have been reconciled for 6 years, however she has had some other issues surface and wants to go her own way. It sukks. I didn't break her, and it isn't up to me to fix her. I have removed myself from her life the best I can, with the exception of communication regarding kids and legal issues. Point being, piecing and recon present a new set of challenges and you better be in a healthy place.
Sorry to hear that...
Quote
Lastly, when is the last time you have read the threads from Cadet's Welcoming post? I'd suggest going back to review them. Even the ones in the MLC Forum.
Right now I'm working through R2C's quotes... there are a lot of them... I ruminate on them.
I know I'm struggling with letting him go. Walking away. Forgetting what we had... but why??? He has... shouldn't that make me angry enough to do the same?
Aren't people usually drawn to the path of least resistance. Right now OW makes him feel really good. Why come back to a W who you thought was controlling?
Hi KitCat, even though my situation did not involve an AP, I dated someone when my girlfriend and I were separated. I agree if ALL his problems were yours and his AP has few shortcomings, you're toast.
The reality is that your ex has issues that will follow him. Does a healthy man cheat, yell, and call his spouse names? Does a healthy woman seeking commitment date a cheater? When he goes no-contact and sees the same issues repeating, when they're together enough she lets her guard down, he may look back.
Back on December 10th I wrote about my situation: "She'd tricked me and wouldn't do it because I'd pushed.. I'm going to.. try to get us to HONESTLY discuss our issues in MC (we're both open to that). My recourse if this goes nowhere is going single. It's not as scary as I thought! In those two weeks spinning dropped from 2hrs/day to 20min/day, freeing up enough time excel at work, enjoy time with my kids, read a book, etc. and already two single ladies showed real interest in me! "
What did I discover? After a few weeks, I was trying to push NewLady to meet different expectations and spending hours worrying about it. (Granted--NewLady called me on it and said "No".. instead of agreeing, not doing it, then pretending it was never agreed to. My GF wasn't blameless.)
The big change that I needed was inside, after stepping off the rollercoaster and getting therapy.
H isn't getting any IC. His high school friend who he lives with now periodically is a "therapist"? I question his actual credentials but whatever. Knowing my H is married this friend and his wife are ecstatic over my H with OW... they are all friends... he is getting advice - thinking his friend is in therapist mode... He is getting 100% encouragement in what he is currently doing.
I cannot control H, or his friends or what any of them say or do (none of whom have met me).
I had strong urge to text H... saying I missed him... could we talk??? BUT - I did not!! So that was an action. But, I'm still checking my phone. Answering any other contacts coming in... but wondering if and when H will text (soooo wrong.)
Today at noonish I get text:
H: I need something from you H: I need this insurance doc and this tax doc
(probably more info needed for him to close on the house he bought)
Me: I can do that H: Thank you
I can't remember the last time H said thank you... its been many weeks.
But now... I'm calm. I can relax. "he" texted me now. Good the rest of the day. I just realized its like a freaking fix.
A lot of mind reading on your last two post, KC. You don't know what is going on with your H or his friends. Quite frankly, it isn't worth your time and is not your concern.
I found a post from a member I used to follow. I think you might find what he posted to be helpful.
I will say one more thing. You have been given a lot of great advice. You have choices here too, that play a significant role in the direction of your life. You can choose to pull up your bootstraps and heed what we are telling you, or you can continue to focus on your H. Either you can lead, or you can follow your H as he wonders around aimlessly.
I gotta tell ya - it is gut wrenching to go back through my first posts. I was a total mess, completely caught off guard by a bomb drop that I by no means saw coming…at all…ever. The word “divorce” or “I am really unhappy and thinking about leaving” never were uttered in our home. However, when she said it - she meant it and never, ever looked back. In fact, she stood on the accelerator and sprinted to the end. In all of my life I had never ran so hard into a wall like that. I was devastated to the point of near immobility. Our son was only 18 months old (we struggled for YEARS to conceive) and suddenly I was a single parent and had NO idea what I was doing. Thankfully, I found this place because I saw the book on a shelf at a counselors office. I was desperate to do anything to stop the spinning, stop the bone-grinding pain - I wanted to think clearly again and I wanted my life back. The myopic view that I took, defined “MY” life as our life together. That was part of the problem.
I am going to say what a lot of you have probably heard here a million times: Work. On. You. I’ll repeat - Work. On. You.
The moment that I realized that I was the only person in this equation that I could control was a truly liberating moment. Through subtle and often DIRECT criticism I learned to own what my part in the demise of marriage was — and focus on that. Focus on changing it. Focus on strengthening my personal weaknesses that brought me there. And, above all, focus on calm and kindness in the face of someone that appears to be up-ending your entire life. THAT part was hard - but I do recall at one point 25yearsmlc saying “think about your goal and ask yourself is what you are about to do or say moving you closer to or farther away from your goal”. I dug into my on psyche and really tried to turn my way of thinking around. I did SOOOO much acting “as if” — before seeing the STBX I would visualize the entire interaction going positively and try to make that real. In the meantime, I was trying to GAL (I was not good at it) and stay connected to friends and get help. I found a solid psychiatrist and individual counselor….I eventually learned how to scuba dive……and, when the time felt right (it took awhile) I started dating in an attempt to move forward with my life. The net conclusion was that I was try to take my eye off of HER and place it back on me. I owned all of the criticism that she leveled at me on the day that she dropped the bomb - even if I didn’t agree with 100% of it (turns out a lot of it was legit — I was living an out-of-touch life in my M). I stopped blaming her - that’s not to say she didn’t have a role - but I stopped blaming her anyway…..and I wouldn’t allow my family to bad mouth or blame her either. I remember sitting them down around the holidays and explaining to the my role in the implosion of our marriage without at all pointing a finger at her. That was difficult, but necessary. Owning your stuff is empowering. It’s counter-intuitive, but it truly is. Again, the wisdom of 25yearsmlc rung in my ears constantly “when you say it’s not your fault - you are powerless. You are saying that you can change nothing. That you are stuck. But when you own your part - you claim power. THAT you can change - you can work on you and make your situation better. It makes a difference and over time, you really will see it working for you.
Be a parent. The BEST thing that ever happened for the relationship between me and my son was being a single parent. Those of you that are still around and remember my story can recall that I was not really deeply involved with the day-to-day with my son - I certainly THOUGHT I was - but I wasn’t. Having him dropped in my lap as a solo act forced me to be dad AND mom at the same time….for three years. We bonded…we played….I soothed him when he cried…..made all of his meals….dropped him off at nursery school….we went on vacations together - all under the age of 3-4. Our bond became tighter than I imagined - and it still is. He truly helped me through the divorce….we helped each other…..because he suffered too. The days that I would drop him off at preschool and he knew he wouldn’t see me for 5 days and he would cling to me, cry and beg me to pick him up — I have never experienced pain like that before. It made me appreciate him in my life, our time together and being a dad. I question if that would have happened without the divorce. I am so grateful for the bond that we build it literally brings me to tears at times.
If you are here - chances are you are hurting. But it gets better. Reconciliation or not — it gets better. And, as always, time will keep ticking and the sun will come up in the morning. Marriage is just a moment in time….and divorce is no different. You remain you during all of it. But more importantly, you control how you show up in both.
As for me today, I am reconciling with my ex. We spent three years apart trying to figure out things and working on ourselves. We have been back under the same roof for about a year now and we are learning how to parent together (we’ve done it alone most of our son’s life) and communicate better. Because I’ll be honest — poor communication and listening skills were a MAJOR part of our breakdown. She goes to an IC, I go to an IC and we both go to MC from time to time. We ain’t perfect…far from it - but we are trying and we have our eyes open this time. We have both learned that there is no such thing as permanent relationship euphoria - it is work, it is selfless, and yeah - it is hard at times. But I think that to the best of our abilities we try to make the loving choice when we can. Because as cliche as it may be — it IS a choice.
Good luck, folks - I wish you the best. I am NOT an expert at all - but I have made enough mistakes and have been fortunate enough to make it partially back from having gone over the cliff that maybe I can help. Stay clam. Stay kind. Stay positive. Be accountable.
Crimson
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
Sounds like you understand you have an unhealthy attachment to your husband. It’s unhealthy because this man has lied to you, cheated on you and treated you horribly. What is really going on is you feel like you lost all control of your world and you are desperately trying everything to free yourself of the pain and regain control.
The best thing you can do right now is to sit with these feelings understand why you have these feelings and do nothing.
Sooo its keep exercising... I'm making real progress. Weight loss has slowed as I have been consuming too much sugar lately so need to step up and focus on more protein choices. Just haven't found interest in cooking currently. Clothes fit better and I can tell I'm getting stronger physically.
Thursday several text exchanges with H. He needed some documents in regards to our house as he is still trying to close on his house.
Frankly one document he could have printed easily online himself. The other he would have had to been a little more creative but could have accomplished.
I get it - it was WAY easier to ask me to get them. There is no point in being unkind and telling him to "F" off. Got the documents to the best of my ability and suggested the tax document should be enough but if not let me know.
He actually said Thank You - 3 times to me in one afternoon.... I think I needed to go lie down after that. He rarely says Thank You... and 3 times at once???
Either way H got what he needed from me and its back to not hearing a word since. That is ok. I have to learn to be ok with him being absent from my life. I keep reminding myself that any contact from him IS and HAS been all about him. NOTHING about me.
I'm going to spend a few minutes looking at cheeseless tunnels AND then move on with my day.
H comes tomorrow to move out more stuff. The weather will be better so let's see if he brings up a bike ride again... OR was he just baiting me into something previously.
So your last post started out about you which is great but after that it all turned to focusing on your STBXH.
So let’s even go there to hypothetically you get the motorcycle ride. Then what? Nothing changes except you expectations increase and your focus goes where it doesn’t belong.
