Here's the thing, you have to put the focus on yourself for things to change. You need to get to a healthy and happy place. You need to address your issues and improve your relationship skills. So when you move forward with your H or a new person, you will have already done the work.
One of the things H said at BD was that I "wasn't even a decent person". That hurt but I understood where that came from. H felt I wasn't being kind to him. I probably wasn't completely unkind but that is HOW he felt. I hurt deeply when we were out grocery shopping and I saw a client, smiled and asked how X was doing. H made some comment about how I'm nicer to those people than him. It hurt BECAUSE in the past I could come across as short with him but that day I was making a concerned effort on my part to have an enjoyable shopping visit with him. Maybe that day WAS nice but he was triggered by the times it wasn't?
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By not engaging your H in anything outside of what is absolutely necessary, is doing something.
OK - I need to change my mindset then. I keep our conversations business like as much as possible. I never talk about us or the S or D or money. Sometimes I do slip and see when he is moving slowly - "are you okay"? He will respond that his back was stiff... as it continued to bother him I said I was sorry his back was hurting... then he opened up more about his back.
If he asks questions like "why is the ladder out?" I answer them. I don't go overboard.
I don't text him unnecessarily with exception of the thank you, yesterday because he went above and beyond going over the trusses in the attic.
So despite urges to call/text like crazy... I don't... there fore I am DOING SOMETHING... and doing it right.
[quote}Right now, your H is not doing any work, but that is not your concern or responsibility. However, if he were to say he was ready to come back now, neither of you would be prepared to how challenging piecing is. Piecing is not easy.[/quote]
I get that. Not sure if H would ever do the work. Aren't people usually drawn to the path of least resistance. Right now OW makes him feel really good. Why come back to a W who you thought was controlling? There are no feel good emotions there.
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Next month, my W and I would have been reconciled for 6 years, however she has had some other issues surface and wants to go her own way. It sukks. I didn't break her, and it isn't up to me to fix her. I have removed myself from her life the best I can, with the exception of communication regarding kids and legal issues. Point being, piecing and recon present a new set of challenges and you better be in a healthy place.
Sorry to hear that...
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Lastly, when is the last time you have read the threads from Cadet's Welcoming post? I'd suggest going back to review them. Even the ones in the MLC Forum.
Right now I'm working through R2C's quotes... there are a lot of them... I ruminate on them.
I know I'm struggling with letting him go. Walking away. Forgetting what we had... but why??? He has... shouldn't that make me angry enough to do the same?
