WW Patience, Limbo amd Fear

[Core]

The time component I think is the hardest part for me. I only lose. My kids lose. Heck, we all do by a WW or WAW's inaction.

I ended up scheduling mediation. Its a long session and I'm prepared. If we agree on things, this'll go fast.

After I told W the session date, she acted normal for awhile. No concerns at all. I later asked her to be the one to tell D4 whats happening and she teared up, started a long relationship chat. She finally mentioned how she feels. She brought up more things I did which I validated. I did say some awful things over the years now that I hear it out loud. I know I did it out of anger, anxiety and frustration. Mostly over lack of intimacy or from her disrespect, judgements and stonewalling. That doesnt excuse my words however. For example I told her before marriage that we were seeming incompatible and I wanted more time. Granted it looks like I was right...

She may be right to leave. She cant get over her feelings. She hasnt tried anyone professional or a book, though it sounds like there has been self reflection. I mentioned how I felt about some things. In the end, she wants time and said this chat is exactly what she wants. "If we could talk like this, Id be happy". She mentioned several times that she liked how we were communicating. It drew me in for a bit as well.

Problem is, those are just words. I see no actions. She continues caretaker activities like bringing me food while working on a project but thats not wifely, its motherly. She seems happy now. Whether it's because we are ending, she liked the chat, released guilt or thinks I'll cancel mediation, I dont know. I still dont see enough reason to cancel mediation.

She mentioned as a WW would that she doesnt know what she wants. Then listed out a want. She wants the thrill of a romantic relationship. Things she never seemed to care about with me, she thought it was corny. I think she's talking about OM without knowing it.

Im really deeply and profoundly sad. Just a few days left before we seal the deal. She scheduled an appointment for the dog before our mediation session which may throw it off and make me move it. I dont know if this was purposeful. I want an f***ing family unit. So does she. Its not that hard or expensive to talk to a counselor, I just dont get it. Dont need to though, it is what it is. I dont have the patience to be used while she possibly takes ages to think about things.