Limbo over, now separated but in lockdown (part 3)

[Pommy99]

Journal update
I’m really struggling with grieving at the moment. I can’t stop crying, and lockdown is making it super hard.

Minimal contact with H over Easter weekend. I kept him on the doorstep rather than letting him in the house. He offered 3 times to come round and clean my car over the weekend but I did not accept. He turned up at one point with 2 bottles of wine, even though I had said I didn’t need any urgently.

We ended up having a R talk yesterday. Nothing has changed, he still does not visualise us ever being an intimate couple, but now says he misses me a huge amount. the love, affection, and certain feelings for me are still there. He sits and holds my hand or strokes my leg while we have these talks, and he gives me big hugs at various points. He says he’s also feeling down and often struggling with his reasoning still but the bottom line is nothing has changed and he said if he came back nothing would have been resolved. I did tell him I missed him too.

My kids have told me to focus on me, D16 says the world doesn’t revolve around him and is sick of it being all about him. D13 says let him deal with his own issues in his own time and us 3 focus on us. They are so mature sometimes. That said, D13 still believes that he has just gone for a few months to clear his head, that we are still “married” and that of course means that he isn’t going to look for a girlfriend or another relationship. If only she knew what’s gone on over the last year.

Today he messaged to ask how I was, and I said good. He replied to the same question with ok but feeling guilty for the way I’ve hurt you by leaving you. I told him the hurt would subside and the pain would subside. I then followed up with a completely honest text to say that it wasn’t the walking out that caused the pain, but rather the lies, deceit, disrespect, broken trust of the last year. I went on to talk about the pain of a broken marriage and listed some of the behaviours that him and EAP have demonstrated that have caused me the pain, and did he realise that he was also causing that pain in someone else’s marriage as well.

I don’t feel I spoke in anger, i feel like I was letting him know what he should be feeling guilty for (since he’s always maintained our breakup is nothing to do with her). And I wanted him to know that his actions are having an impact on someone else’s marriage as well.

If he doesn’t reply, I don’t care. If it’s pushed him away further , I also will accept that because I needed to say what I said. If it keeps him away from the house, then that’s easier for me too.