A little lost - possible MFC wife

[Tmason]

I have struggled with suicidal thoughts since I was a teenager. I had never told that to anyone until after my wife of 23 years told me she was leaving because I was not emotional available to her. She was absolutely correct. I wasn’t. I spent years hiding this part of myself from her out of fear. Fear that she would leave me if I told her, fear that she would think it was because of her (it wasn’t, these thoughts had followed me since I was young), fear that she would be repulsed by someone who had suicidal thoughts. In hiding these thoughts, it did what I never wanted to do, push her away. There were times I would be able to push the fog away, but I was never truly honest with her, which meant the fog was never really gone and would eventually come back.
After my confession, I felt free. The weight of these hidden thoughts were gone. I didn’t have to hide, I was out in the open, exposed and it was the most freeing event in my life. I knew that it was common for some people to have suicidal thoughts and never act on them, but I was determined to hide mine and in doing so, created a schism in our marriage.

I started IC and we started Marriage Counseling together. At first I thought all this was my emotional distance, that she does not want to continue our marriage out of fear that the fog will return. I thought she was worried that this is a temporary moment of clarity and that I will slide back into my old patterns and once again be hurt. She is not open to putting herself out there anymore. I have explained this is different, there has never been a moment in my life when I have felt this clear mentally. I'm exercising every day, I've lost my beer gut and honestly look and feel really good, something I haven't in years.

But now I'm getting the ILYBNILWY speech. Our kids are older, but still living with us right now. Two will be moving out later this year and our youngest is 16. She says he is older, doesn't need us as much and will be fine. I'm assuming this is the empty nest syndrome.

This conversation has happened a few times:

Me: I understand that you’re unhappy, that's why I'm saying we should work on the marriage.

Her: No… I just need space.

Me: Does that mean you want a separation/divorce?

Her: Yes? Hmm. Well, no, I don’t think so. Maybe… Not right now. I just need space.

Me: So you want to stay together, but you don’t want to work on the marriage? What DO you want?

Her: I don’t know what I want right now.

I'm 100% willing to work on myself and this marriage to be the best version of myself to her. She doesn't seem interested in working on the marriage or herself. All she talks about is going out with her friends. She doesn't want any physical contact, I get a hug maybe once a week, but nothing else.

I'm wondering now, if she is going through a MLC. My depression pushed her to this, but as I work on my depression and want to work on the marriage she is not interested.

She has talked about separation, but she won't say divorce. We can't separate right now due to financial reasons, plus COVID.

I leave her notes, telling her I love her or how beautiful she is. They are not mentioned and I'm assuming are thrown away. I'm lost as to what to do.