Embracing Peace and Joy

[Believe6]

Grace,
During a weekend couples retreat we attended back in December, they said love is a decision. We hadn't heard that before and it really struck my H. And for a couple of months, he lived like he believed it. He tried really really hard. Even though he was confused, feeling trapped and wanted out, he was doing so much to try and be there for me.

Then BOOM-- 180 and he raced into the tunnel. He doesn't say he loves me anymore. Before he would tell me he loved me after I told him. I knew he didn't mean he was in love with me. I knew he meant he loves me as a person, but the last 2 weeks (only said it twice) he's said, "I know." It kills me really.

But I know that love is a choice and a decision. It is something we commit to "doing" and not just being. Although it is also a feeling. The thing is, our MLCers have too many feelings and sometimes not enough. They are both numb and burning up with emotion.

When my H admits it, which he has randomly (but not often), I see how much this is hurting him and how lost he really is. It is terrifying really. To know they are in the dark and for those who are avoidant (which mine is-- avoids conflict or too many emotions), this is really just too much. They are drowning in feelings, fears, and then nothing. It must feel like they are going crazy.

And here we are... the spouse who has been there for them through so much. They can't face themselves. They can't face us. Who knows if it's a combo of guilt, shame, trapped, loneliness... and so many more... they just can't have us as another burden they need to worry about or carry.

I feel for my H and I will stand until the day I die. I made a vow. I promised with my heart and soul. We are already bound in heaven and I won't let earth destroy that. He can do what he needs to do. Even if it leads him away from me, I decided.

We can't let others, who may not get it, sway us from our personal commitment. We must trust that God is taking care of what we can't see (our spouse) and that we too are being supported, carried, and loved.

It is so very hard. But I too believe like you that the only path forward is through.... and that means standing.

Blessings

PS.... the hardest part for me is non-judgement-- trying not to "fix" him. He's doing what he needs to do to heal. God has him. I can't judge if he is doing it "right" or if what he is doing is "right." Yes, that's hard... compassion, understanding, even love.... but non-judgement? That's hard because what he does hurts... the pulling back, the non-affection, the lack of love and caring on his part... but love doesn't require the other person's participation. It only requires ours... I need to remember that.