MLC newbie- new thread

[Believe6]

Was trying to link the new thread to the old, but for some reason there's not a way to do that now. Job, can you help?

I want to thank you all for checking in the past couple of days-- Peace, Kindly, Scout, Grace, DnJ and Job...

Yesterday was a very tough day. It was my birthday and I spent a lot of in mourning and crying and trying to hide it from H. But my D came to give me a hug and I just lost it. She's a teenager and just hugged me. They know that I am suffering although I hide it as much as possible.

I admit that I was feeling sorry for myself. I wanted what I had last year when I turned the big 5-0. We were in love then. He even can remember that he loved me then. But yesterday, even though he was kind and caring, it was definitely not at all the same. And it was killing me.

I was showered with love from so many people. Friends dropped off gifts on the stoop, I had so many texts, social media messages, etc. I haven't had that much attention ever, not even last year. And most don't know what's happening in my personal life. Maybe it's because I am doing what I can to reach out more. Send fun and funny messages and keep up people's spirits.

One of the things I do to work on my personal growth. It's for both my emotional and spiritual growth. But yet, I know I was being selfish. I wanted more. Here God is sending me so much love, attention and affection from family and friends and I am mourning the lack from my H.

What makes it worse is at the end of the night after we had a nice dinner and cake (no presents or cards which also hurt), we watched a movie as a family and they all then went to go do their own thing. I was hurting so much. I was hoping for some one-on-one time. I know... zero expectations, but I was hoping. Nope. He went to his office. So I sobbed in the shower and i just couldn't take it anymore. I went for a drive. I texted I was going and as I was leaving he asked me, "you're going now?" I said I just had to get out.

He tried calling when I was driving, but I was sobbing and didn't want to pick up the phone. I was out for well over an hour. When I got back he had moved into the office with the cot.

We ended up having a long talk. More than I know he was ready for and I don't want to share all the details here. He admitted he stayed in the office because he was angry I left without talking to him about it. He was worried and couldn't get any work done. I honestly didn't think it mattered since he treats me with less affection than he does any of our close friends. He basically treats me like a casual friend. He's nice and kind, but there isn't a lot of real caring or affection at all. He's very huggy and affectionate even to casual friends so the fact that he won't touch me at all hurts.

We've been better today. We both slept poorly. I went to apologize to him again this morning for worrying him and him getting upset. He did get mad at me because he thinks I'm analyzing him when I just look at him trying to figure out what to say. I guess in the past I used to do that. But now, I am just trying to hold my tongue and trying not to do any push/pull behaviors when we are talking. It's not to analyze him at all. It's just to be careful not to say anything in the wrong way anymore. I don't even try to figure out what's going on. I do my best not to even ask personal questions anymore. We talk about Covid, his work, me looking for work, or the kids. Neutral things.

Anyway, we had a good meal with the kids. Back to being casual friends. I am not going to ask if he wants to come back to the room. I am good either way. I don't sleep well even if he's here anymore. I used to not be able to sleep at all if he wasn't next to me. Even when I traveled for work, I would barely sleep. Now I take sleeping pills which helps a little and pile up pillows to help me feel like there's someone there. I guess I am learning what I need to do for my sanity and to take care of myself.

BTW, I drove because when I was growing up in a rural town, driving at night helped me process my feelings. I would sing at the top of my lungs, look at the stars and feel God. So that's what i did last night. I did it for me. As my gift to myself. I wanted to shout, grieve, be angry, then let it all go so I could face this crazy roller coaster again.

I don't regret doing what I needed to in order to take care of my emotional health. I just wish I knew that he would worry and that he really does care about me more than I thought.

It's just so hard to know what's going on in the minds of our MLCer. Where they are in their process or if the alien is the one talking/in charge or somehow they are starting to peek through.

I do think he is peeking more and more. I hear him laughing with the kids. He's the one instigating conversations and he did try really hard to make my b-day special, even if it was nothing like the effort of last year. I know many other MLCers just forget completely about their spouse and possibly try to make it worse.

This is just so very hard some days. It is so lonely sometimes. Thank you all for being here. Sorry I needed a day to myself, but I will try to be here more often.