H is opening up more to me. He mentioned going to a store tonight (which normally he'd just say "I'm going out after"). Then when he was heading out he said how he was going to x store and then for a drive (which I know is his thinking time). We ended up having a conversation about the kids (my eldest is struggling with all this) and how we parent different and it was really good. I talked about how I'm realizing that the kids can't be my everything and that I can't pour from an empty cup. It was a calm and really good conversation.
It hurts a bit because I wish I had these skills and this mindset pre-BD cause I could envision having the conversation cuddled on the couch or hugging after. Whereas me before would be off to do the cleaning or ensuring that everything was right, or didn't want to snuggle because I hadn't washed my hair or shaved my legs and cuddling might lead to something else and I wouldn't be 'perfect'.
Hindsight is always 20/20. Now that we are where we are, I see so many times I missed the chance for physical affection because of my own issues. Now I just hope I have the chance to one day show him what I've learned.
