It wasn't an overnight change for me, you don't rid yourself of a 45 plus year habit in one moment, but it is one I remind myself of every single day whenever I feel the surge of anxiety happening. It is remarkable how much that simple reminder and 4 good deep breaths can calm you down.
Thanks IW. I've followed many of those same steps, and they work quite well when my anxiety is at maybe a 6/10 or lower. When it peaks higher, it is tough to wrangle. I feel like there are 10 different "old pattern" thoughts I need to address one by one via the techniques I've learned to disarm them.
Examples:
- This is all my fault. - I'm incapable of doing this. - I can't do this on my own. - I'm a wreck/mess. - My kids are suffering through my actions.
and on and on and on... Throughout the day I gradually work these items down, but it's emotionally exhausting. I dread waking up sometimes.
Originally Posted by IronWill
On my end, I was subconsciously putting my W into that pattern. She realized it was unhealthy long before I could even understand why I was acting/feeling this way. She did her best to try to get me to see that I needed help. I knew I needed help, and had planned on going to IC when finances were better but I didn't realize how deeply it had impacted my life until her crisis point hit and then it became glaringly obvious.
My W definitely fits a pattern of being controlling, insecure about certain aspects of her life, and likes to lead and set the direction.
It's hard to say if I pushed her in that direction. She has always had pieces of that, even during our best times. Perhaps our interactions cemented things or made them more extreme. Maybe my fear of conflict made things worse.
I have GAD. Anxiety and FOA/NGS pushed me at times to feeling desperate about my MR. That scared my W. Even though her academic background is in mental health, I don't think she ever understood because she handles her own issues differently. I think she saw me as dangerous and unpredictable, whereas I just wanted to talk and make an effort to work on the MR.
This was an anxious-avoidant dynamic at its worst.
I felt completely ignored when we moved. I worked and made the money, came home, and my job was to assist with child-care and the housework. I had zero life outside of work. I didn't stay at work late, I didn't go anywhere on the weekends. W seemed depressed and tired and snippy all the time. She didn't want to move from hometown, but financially we could not make it work. W and I would go out to dinner once every couple months. We had a SSM. We would watch TV at night, share a drink, and go to sleep. When I had time off work, we went back to our previous hometown to visit W's family. Sometimes W would go by herself and I would watch the children for the weekend. I tried to do things to keep her happy. I also was at times passive-aggressive in my responses. She saw me as unhappy, I saw her as unhappy.
Incidentally, anxiety is not some catch-all excuse. I don't see it as "Oh I have anxiety I just can't help it." It's my responsibility to manage it, get it under control, and make sure my actions and words are measured. I've made a lot of progress. I also know it will always be there, always something I need to work on. I know that anxiety can lead people to make some truly awful decisions. I made some decisions I regret, but I also have compassion for myself and recognize I am not the monster I have been portrayed to be. Pulling the car over to talk to my W at night was a regrettable and poor decision - I had zero intent of any harm. Does that make it right? Absolutely not, I should have respected her need for feeling safe and approached her at a different time. She also had shut me down for months and I hadn't yet found DB. I'm not sure by then if we could have corrected course.
Again, the anxious-avoidant dynamic, at its worst.
I wish we could have just talked. That's the thing that hangs me up. Just once, have an honest conversation, where I could at least attempt to explain my perspective.
I see other sitches on here with anxious LBS's. I can see how they want to reach out to the WAS and talk. Things can go so wrong... the avoidant's desire to connect can be seen as desperation, emotional instability, dangerous, abusive.
The person I am now would not have made so many of these decisions. It's possible our MR would have corrected course, if I could transport myself back in time with the lessons I have learned. But I could not have become the person I am now without going through this process.
