I woke up today feeling highly anxious and overwhelmed. This is becoming a familiar pattern on some days. On these types of days, I feel I spend most of my time piecing things back together and calming down. Work, focus on the present, deal with things one at a time.
I know from IC that these feelings stem from exaggerated thoughts, worrying about the future, regretting the past, reliving painful events.
As I've probably told you before, the two E. Tolle books "The Power of Now" and "A New Earth" have revolutionized the way I see life now. They were an "awakening" moment for me - where I realized that I had spent the first 45 years of my life living totally consumed by worry and thoughts over things I had no control of.
The future hasn't happened yet, and we cannot do anything to change the past. So why do we spend all our time living there and thinking about those times - when all we ever have is this moment - now. That is not to say forget everything that ever happened, or never think about the future, but it is to remind ourselves that this time is all we ever have and to focus our energies on the present moment.
It wasn't an overnight change for me, you don't rid yourself of a 45 plus year habit in one moment, but it is one I remind myself of every single day whenever I feel the surge of anxiety happening. It is remarkable how much that simple reminder and 4 good deep breaths can calm you down.
Originally Posted by unchien
I'm not a perfect parent. Being told I am impulsive, a danger to my children, that I need treatment, that I am untrustworthy... by the person I loved more than anyone in the world... it beats me down. A lot. I try to draw strength and anchor myself to my own reality. This does not come easy for me. I was raised by a domineering mother whose moods ruled the home. I learned to accept another person's version of the truth as the objective "truth". It is my default mode of operation. It takes considerable mental effort to re-anchor myself and overcome my instincts. This is a process I have been learning the past year.
Yes, you and I are eerily similar here (except that I have no kids). There are no quick fixes here, U - the only way to push past this is to do it, to force yourself to stop thinking in the old patterns. Unfortunately it is a developmental issue from childhood, and I think that is why it takes so much effort to break out of this pattern. It can be extremely frustrating.
On my end, I was subconsciously putting my W into that pattern. She realized it was unhealthy long before I could even understand why I was acting/feeling this way. She did her best to try to get me to see that I needed help. I knew I needed help, and had planned on going to IC when finances were better but I didn't realize how deeply it had impacted my life until her crisis point hit and then it became glaringly obvious.
It takes time and practice. There are no shortcuts and nobody is going to do it for you, or for me. The truth stings sometimes but that's the cards we were dealt.
Originally Posted by unchien
So many doubts about what I want, what's best for me, what's best for my kids, where am I going...
One day at a time, U. That's how we live life. Try to be the best person we can be each and every day and put one foot in front of the other.
