I don't want to stop caring or showing my love and caring to him just because it's against DB rules. This is a very sad day. Even if he's still so far away from me, how can I not at least reach out?
So I did it. I can't be sorry I did. I love him and I care about him too. His pain, all of his pain, matters to me. I am going to be ok that it does and let my heart hurt that he keeps pushing me away. I did what my conscience knows had to be done. I offered love, kindess, physical affection (His main love language) and sympathy.
Believe - caring for our MLC spouse is not against any rules. And, the DB rules are not set in stone. Look at them more like tools, and you use the ones you need for repair or to rebuild. I remember very early on when I desperately wanted to reach out to my H after he had an injury. Some on this board just wanted me to let it alone, so I never checked up on him after the initial phone call from him reporting it. I regret it very much, because my real nature would have been to help, show concern, and follow-up. But, the old me was also the desperate fixer of our relationship, so I didn't want to fall into old patterns either. So, it's a fine line sometimes, and now I go with whatever my heart tells me to do. It's o.k. for you to do so also.
Your faith will get you through more than you can even comprehend right now. Hold tight to it, and let that faith grow even stronger.
Grace is right about the DB rules. They are more like tools than rules.
We do use them as rules at the beginning since we are pretty mixed up and usually begging and pleading.
One of those “rules” is do more of what works and less of what doesn’t. Every MLCer is different, and yet they all more or less follow a similar script. You know your situation best. You offered kindness, carrying, and reached out.
His response is normal for someone in a crisis and emotionally troubled state. He can’t handle his own emotions, and he certainly cannot handle anyone else’s.
That’s the counterintuitive bit, realizing when something isn’t working, and then letting that be for a while. You can try again later, much later. He knows you care. He just needs lots of time.
As Grace stated, most of us here are fixer. It is a fine line to walk. H needs to fix himself, and you need to not manipulate. It’s tough.
Don’t worry, you didn’t screw up. You showed compassion on the one year after his Dad’s death. Of course he couldn’t really acknowledge that, but he heard you and knows you care. You did fine. (((B6)))
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
The DB is not just about trying to save your marriage, but to help you navigate the path that you are on. Nothing is set in stone. You do what works and what doesn't...well you set that aside. Just like the stages of MLC and the grieving process and the time lines...Nothing is set in stone.
No where does DB say that you can't care about your spouse/partner. You can love them from afar, treat them w/compassion and as always...did deeper for patience.
Last edited by job; 04/17/2007:18 PM. Reason: added link to new thread
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
