I know it's too late to comment on the question about Easter, but there will be other things coming up.
This is why there needs to be a designated schedule of who has the kids. This is assuming there will be no scheduling for shared "happy family" activities. Has there not been any discussion about future holidays, vacations, etc.? You know I stand on tough love, believing she needs a taste of how things will be, if she continues on this route. That includes birthdays and other special events, holidays, family traditions, etc. Living under the same roof can get complicated, b/c she is going to take a big chunk of cake wherever she can. Physically living in separate homes may not be easy, at first. An agreement (or court ordered) schedule needs to be set in place, to cover the rest of the year. Some couples are able to swap out occasionally, and some can't. It doesn't seem a good idea, to me, to wait until almost time to celebrate before approaching the subject.
So, how did Easter go for you?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Easter went just fine. W came over early in the morning, S19 and S11 received their Easter baskets. I made brunch and we ate together. After we finished, W thanked me for making brunch. I then left with the boys for a hike, and W left a little while later to go back to her friend "Stacey's" house, where she has been sleeping nightly since shortly after BD last July.
Lately, I see more and more MLC signs from W. The way she talks (more profanity), the way she's dressing. She has been talking more about her friend "Stacey" and has recently starting visiting her parents. She will tell something about one of the kids and then text it to me again the next day as if she hadn't told me already. She doesn't monster at me or the kids. I would say she appears to be "absent" even when she's around, if that makes any sense. This is about her and her issue(s). She has to be left alone to work through it.
Most importantly, for me, I continue to work out and self improve. Going to IC once a month, too. I treat her like a house guest when she's around, and I continue to detach. We retained a mediator in January, but the virus has closed family courts due to the virus where I live. As of last month, W had not sent any financial info to the mediator. I don't know where this will end up, but I know that I will be fine no matter what. I will remain focused on me and my kids, and keep taking it one day at a time.
I just want to commend you on how you are handling your situation. This is all about her and her issues. Unfortunately if it is MLC it is a 5-7 year journey.
I just want to commend you on how you are handling your situation. This is all about her and her issues. Unfortunately if it is MLC it is a 5-7 year journey.
I agree with LH19. I have read MLC can last up to 10 yrs, maybe longer. That's got to be very discouraging! I know LBH's are hesitate in admitting (to themselves) their W is wayward. The good news is that a W can come out of her waywardness much faster than MLC.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Those you following are aware that W runs a daycare out of the house. With the virus situation, her numbers are down, as could be expected. So yesterday W texts me in the morning telling me she was considering just closing temporarily and filing for unemployment. Asked my opinion. I asked her if she was planning on reopening once the virus allowed her to do so. She said she was, assuming her clients would come back (most have already told her they would). Then texts this: "Some won't come back until the fall and who knows by then what our situation will be. Will the house be sold? (it's not even on the market at this time). If that's the case then I will have no job whatsoever."
To say she's confused seems like a huge understatement.
Just to summarize where we stand at the moment. W BD came 7/19. She has been sleeping at a "friend's house" every night since a few weeks after BD. She runs a biz out of the house where I live with S19 and S11, so I see her most days when she arrives to open the biz as I'm heading off to work.
W is adopted and I believe the trigger for all of this happened about 3 years ago when she found out she had 3 half-siblings that she was previously unaware of, and was dissuaded from contacting them by her birth mother. She also has no information about her birth father, and though she tracked down her birth mother when we started dating 25 years ago, they have no real relationship because birth mom has her own family and they are unaware of my W.
Around this same time frame, my W started posting things like "love yourself first" and the like on Facebook. She also went out and leased a new vehicle, got 2 tattoos, joined a gym and made a whole new group of friends. Looking back, it makes more "sense" now, but like most others, I just didn't see it at the time.
Since BD, I have been working on myself. I've lost 50 lbs, been working out, going to IC and really working connecting on a deeper level with my kids. We tried MC early after BD, and although the MC told us we were dealing with issues very similar to most people she deals with, W wasn't into putting in any effort to work on M. I come from a large, nuclear family and we both have really focused on our family for most of our time together. I think this has unfortunately "invalidated" her background and experience and has led her to want a D in part as a way to "validate" her past, something she has been unable to do on her own.
We hired a mediator and selected a realtor in January. After initial visits with each (we retained the mediator), she has done very little to further the process along. I have done the minimum required of me with the mediator and realtor to date. So, we remain firmly in limbo.
Usually when she arrives in the morning, we chit chat about the kids' upcoming days or finances, or the weather etc. Today I decided to just sort of say "hi" (I never say anything first to her in the mornings), and to move right along. As I started to leave, she started talking about S11 and his school assignments etc. I responded and just left. She texts around 11 a.m. saying she will be getting Chinese food for boys for dinner and asked if I wanted any. I said "no thanks." I get home and her stuff in our bedroom is tidied up a bit, and it looks like most of the stuff was put into our closet. She never took most of her stuff out of the house, just carries one smallish bag with her back and forth.
I plan to continue to focus on myself and the boys, and I'm not sure where this is headed, or even where I want it to head. She is in MLC and must travel this road by herself. But it sure would be nice to get some sort of clarity for my own sake.
Hope everyone was able to enjoy something this weekend!
I wanted to throw some stuff out for some feedback. First, W has been asking me about her business, which has obviously slowed down with the COVID-19 situation, She's been asking about applying for grants/loans, filing for unemployment, etc. Given that she has stated she wants a D and that we retained a mediator (not to mention that she fired me as her H), how should I go about answering any of these questions?
Secondly, I am certain W thinks (knows) that I would do almost anything to keep my family together. This means that she isn't concerned that I might move on and that she's comfortable in her feelings that I will be here when/if she ever decides that's what she wants. Any ideas on how to change this dynamic?
I am in the same boat as you. I feel the same as you, I’d do almost anything to save my marriage. I fluctuate between being strong and trying to act like nothing bothers me and basically treat him as a roommate, to wondering if I’m acting to blasé. We don’t want to be doormats, but we still want to care.
