Hi Cardinal! So happy to see you back. How’s kitty? How are you? Once again no shocker...I’m starting to feel like we share a brain or maybe our spouses do! Would you believe I’ve now learned that my H too has started with the drug use...both edibles and vaping??? He’s bought a full store by the looks of it. Again someone who was disgusted by the frequent use of it in his industry. The reasonings behind Mlcr’s doing this make sense but it really is quite unbelievable...
Originally Posted by cardinal
I'm still grieving, angry some days, all of that. I'm on my own timeline there. I am still grieving the fact that H couldn't vocalize any of his unhappiness until he'd already decided the M was over and that I was the root of it, that H went from an incredibly generous, loving, and kind partner and friend to, well, you know, the opposite, and that I never saw it coming; I'm still working on coming to terms with the fact that I will most likely never have a child with him and possibly never have a child at all, because of so many things, but also just plain timing of all of this. Maybe some people reach acceptance faster. That's okay. I think it will come when it comes. For me, this is where the sit quietly and wait advice comes in.
This EXACTLY. it’s our timeline while taking guidance from here - because let’s face it no two people or situation is identical. Even as similar as ours seems to be, you still have your experiences and me mine. For me I only judge myself and grab hold when I feel like I’m allowing it to interfere with my productivity or SELF happiness. I feel like as complicated humans we can be unhappy with the situation our H’s have led us in to but we can still be happy with ourselves. Both realities existing at the same time, with us as the gate keeper as to how much time we alot to each side.
Originally Posted by cardinal
I believe I can both be going through waves of sadness, frustration, exhaustion, and confusion related to H and be moving forward at the same time. I think there is a difference between getting permanently stuck in those feelings and recognizing them when they come and working to process them, which is, I think, a lot of what I do when I post here. I know some questions will never be answered, but I still want to voice them. I do tend to focus on H here, because this is the only place where people understand intimately the craziness I am going through. It's really helpful for me to have the repeated outside validation that 1) This is not normal; 2) I didn't cause it; 3) I can't fix it.
I whole heartedly agree with this, feel and behave the same way. For me, it’s Like you say living with them is a tricky game...especially now. It’s hard when you still care about the person to achieve TOTAL detachment. I like using the word compassionate detachment - for me that leaves personal space for me to keep things kind and loving from a safe distance for my mental protection. I too like ‘getting the thoughts out’ here which helps me to not lose it at home.
Originally Posted by cardinal
There's a lot of focus on rediscovering oneself on the boards, too. I get that. It's so easy to lose sight of who we are as individuals when we're in a long-term relationship, and this is even more challenging, I think, for mothers. I am not a mother, but I can empathize with that. I've never felt I lost myself in my M. I like to think I had and have a very clear sense of who I am. Of course I had shared interests with H, but I also had many of my own and still have them. I told my friend I was struggling with this: I don't feel like I need to rediscover myself, I said. I feel like I know who I am.
She said, "Maybe it's not about rediscovering yourself but about celebrating yourself."
I really liked that sentiment. I can continue celebrating who I am, reinforcing, as DnJ would say, my values and beliefs as I go. I'm trying.
Wow this has really helped me Cardinal. I’ve been struggling with the same thing. Trying to figure out what I don’t know about myself, how to rediscover, but I don’t feel lost and I too have always had my own identity and many hobbies out side of H. I really like changing that to celebrating ourselves!! = enlightening! Thank you (and your friend) for that.
Have you baked lately? I made a crazy awesome batch of brownies ...like lava cakes they were sooooooo good. Nothing special just really good. ( prob the 2 cups of sugar) Hahaha!!!!!
