Finding patience and facing fear

[Kindly]

Hi Dnj! Hope you had a nice Easter Weekend. I have to apologize for the H typo in my last message I meant your W!! I just get so used to typing H! Sorry about that.

For example, have you set up the patio furniture? If so, good for you. If not, set it up, this weekend, today. You need not explain anything to H. Just do it. And if or when he wants to poke or pick a fight do not engage. Just look at him and say “What bugging you? I’m just setting up the patio furniture so I can sit outside.” Don’t even stop setting it up. Then enjoy the sun and the beautiful day.

Yes! I did ...all of it! I also did a tonne of yard clean up and gardening this weekend and it was super productive and enjoyable. I love your response suggestions. Sometimes that is where I get hung up - in the “what should I respond with” while keeping it at a minimum.
Thank you also for the feedback on my last encounter ...it’s super comforting to feel like I have a secret cheerleader / coach and that I did alright!

However little acknowledgement and validation of what he is feeling and saying. Not a big deal. You answered fine, not leading to any fighting. But....
You are right, H didn’t clue into what you were trying to tell him. Did you clue into what he was trying to tell you? Was there a why he was telling you something?
The skill of active listening takes time to develop. The listening to the entire statement before crafting a response. Most of us listen to respond, we need to listen to understand. Then respond.

This is such a valid point Dnj ...a skill I could totally work on to improve. Being a “fixer, a do-er” etc etc I find I’m always quick with a response, an answer, a solution...and could benefit from fully understanding. This is a great skill to add to ones arsenal ...now how and where do I start? Are there questions that ARE suitable to ask the MCLr to learn more?

I feel like if I break down that previous conversation he really isn’t saying much except for ‘other people are doing this too’ therefore offering him both validation in that he’s not alone and perhaps in his mind justifying his decisions and behaviour. I also feel like him mentioning his L or threatening the sale of the house are his only two ways to ‘keep me in check.’ Not that I’m putting ANY pressure.

So on that note I had another unkind run in with shark eyes yesterday. He had confrontation written all over his face...so I did my best to avoid him. Part way through the day we had a conversation about saving on some insurance. I was immediately met with criticism and ‘why would you bother’ comments. I responded calmly with me “bothering” didn’t effect you and you can choose to apply or not...your choice. He walked away pissed and mumbling something so I asked if he was alright or if something was bothering him? FIRST TIME IN 6/7 months I’ve asked anything! Oops.

H: what do you think? No far from it!
M:what’s wrong? you look upset or angry.
H:umm nothing I’m fine but ...you don’t know how you’re behaving!
M: how am I behaving?
H: i don’t know, it’s how your behaving or something ....we have to sell the house.
M:sorry you feel that way but I don’t know what you want me to do about that right now...
H: Yesterday you and your comment about the garden and plants and moving things around doesn’t make sense because we won’t be here in the summer
M: (here’s where I may have come off too strong again) ok. Sorry you feel that way. I know this is not what you want but again in this current situation I’m not sure what you would like me to do. In the meantime, I will put out the furniture, I will work in the garden and enjoy myself as best I can during this stressful time. Right now you have a roof over your head and food in the fridge so I don’t know what to tell you...you may have to figure something else out. I would however highly appreciate it if you would stop harassing me about having to sell the house. I am trying to be friendly and respect your wishes during this time ...have I given you any other impression? I’d greatly appreciate you not adding more stress onto a stressful time. Have I misunderstood anything? Is there anything else you’d like to discuss?
H: No I’m fine.
M: ok because you don’t seem fine ...I’m here to talk about anything at any time but not to be harassed with something I can do nothing about right now. Is that ok?
H: yes.

Okay. So I know I came across WAY too harsh at the end and I also said WAY too much. In my slight defence I’ve been waiting a loooong time to say SOMETHING...and I chose him constantly bringing up removing my home from me as a boundary that needed to be set for me right now mentally. How could I do better!? It reads like I was finger wagging but I promise I wasn’t!!!
I know he may not retain any of that and he immediately retreated to his cave with door shut and all. Interestingly enough about an hour later he came out, went to a store and started sending me text messages (first time in 8 months) to ask if I needed anything. Today same thing grumpy grumpy all morning and went for a an actual grocery shop (with a list we made together) and has been texting about the lineup and making jokes for the last hour. I feel so detached I’m noticing the behaviour and doing my best to not let it affect me or influence any of my behaviour. I wonder what I can learn from this other than how confused he is? Is there a message between the lines I’m not hearing Dnj?

Have a great day. Hope you’re sitting out on the patio getting some sun.DnJ

Thx Dnj It really is nice to steal a few moments of sunshine and work outside when I can. I will most definitely keep that up. Hopefully all is well with you and that you weren’t too busy with that crazy wind storm yesterday!!

Thx for the long read all! (((Hugs)))