I am sure you're right, Believe--he was the perfect son in high school and college, and I think this is all part of his late rebellion. It's legal, and there's no way he sees anything weird or wrong with it (even though old H would have). I try to have no judgement, and I know I'm failing at that in some ways. But then an article pops up in the NYT about how smoking and vaping (weed or tobacco) puts you at higher risk for Covid-19, and he already is in a higher risk group, and I just... am not so detached that I don't still worry about him and feel sad that he's in this state.
I'm also a bit bothered by your friend's statement. I tend to agree with you, that happy is not the only way to be. In fact, that's what my H firmly believed: that he was happy about everything in his life and it was pointless to waste time being unhappy. Everyone thought he was the happiest guy in the world, including him, including me. Cue BD. He was wrong. I was wrong. It seems clear now that he didn't know how to handle or express any other emotion, so he let all of his anger and sadness and disappointment out at me, and now he thinks he's back in happy land again—on the surface.
So I think the pressure to move on from grief--to be happy no matter what, can also sometimes be unhelpful. I think permission is sometimes more helpful. Of course, it is all different for each individual.
Thank you for your questions, Believe. Your post brought up a lot of thoughts and feelings for me, and so this is in some way a response to it, but it's more me working out my own feelings at the moment on grieving and discovering myself, so don't feel this is all directed at you.
I understand there is a big push here to stop focusing on our spouses and to turn the focus back to ourselves. I can only control myself, so that is where I want my focus to be. I also don't want to feel bad for having days where I am distracted by something H does or says. It's been a big adjustment having him here in the house 95% of the time, and it took me a couple of weeks to begin focusing more on myself again. There are a hundred small things I find fulfillment and joy in each day, and I am thankful for that.
I'm still grieving, angry some days, all of that. I'm on my own timeline there. I am still grieving the fact that H couldn't vocalize any of his unhappiness until he'd already decided the M was over and that I was the root of it, that H went from an incredibly generous, loving, and kind partner and friend to, well, you know, the opposite, and that I never saw it coming; I'm still working on coming to terms with the fact that I will most likely never have a child with him and possibly never have a child at all, because of so many things, but also just plain timing of all of this. Maybe some people reach acceptance faster. That's okay. I think it will come when it comes. For me, this is where the sit quietly and wait advice comes in.
I believe I can both be going through waves of sadness, frustration, exhaustion, and confusion related to H and be moving forward at the same time. I think there is a difference between getting permanently stuck in those feelings and recognizing them when they come and working to process them, which is, I think, a lot of what I do when I post here. I know some questions will never be answered, but I still want to voice them. I do tend to focus on H here, because this is the only place where people understand intimately the craziness I am going through. It's really helpful for me to have the repeated outside validation that 1) This is not normal; 2) I didn't cause it; 3) I can't fix it.
There's a lot of focus on rediscovering oneself on the boards, too. I get that. It's so easy to lose sight of who we are as individuals when we're in a long-term relationship, and this is even more challenging, I think, for mothers. I am not a mother, but I can empathize with that. I've never felt I lost myself in my M. I like to think I had and have a very clear sense of who I am. Of course I had shared interests with H, but I also had many of my own and still have them. I told my friend I was struggling with this: I don't feel like I need to rediscover myself, I said. I feel like I know who I am.
She said, "Maybe it's not about rediscovering yourself but about celebrating yourself."
I really liked that sentiment. I can continue celebrating who I am, reinforcing, as DnJ would say, my values and beliefs as I go. I'm trying.
