I totally understand that we are not at piecing, and he is not fully come around. I see this as maybe he is checking his blind spot to possibly turn around. I am trying very hard not to read anything into any gesture, word, text etc or I will drive myself nuts. I do still do it, but I am getting better.
I totally need to work on detachment and it is a lot of self talk every day trying to improve that. I've even gone back to my co-dependent no more book.
I am still not taking care of him - I don't do his laundry, make his lunches, remind him of things etc. It's hard because at times where he's looking for something, and if I find it and hand it to him, I question myself - was that taking care of him or just being a decent human?
I'm enjoying taking my time in the evenings now to do my crafts, watch my shows or just chat with friends vs cleaning and planning etc for the household. I close the curtains, so I don't watch out the window for him to come home from his drives.
The fear of doing the wrong thing is so deeply embedded. Pre-corona, I was working on that with my counsellor. It was interesting, yesterday I forgot to push the thingy in for the shower so when he went to get the kids' bath ready it sprayed on him. Usually, I would be horrified and apologetic and feel awful and get him a towel etc. Yesterday I just burst out laughing and he did the same (and then it started a bit of a water splashing game that the kids thought was hilarious! )
How I react to things can have such an impact - but letting go of my need for perfection and feeling like I need to be the perfect wife and mother all the time, as made things more enjoyable. When he comes home from work and is grumpy, I no longer try to analyze if I said/did something wrong. I tell myself he had a bad day and I am pleasant and don't acknowledge it. I am not responsible for his moods/feelings and that is so very freeing to know.
