Interesting... I hadn't heard that version of the quote before. I constantly remind myself of this idea.
I woke up today feeling highly anxious and overwhelmed. This is becoming a familiar pattern on some days. On these types of days, I feel I spend most of my time piecing things back together and calming down. Work, focus on the present, deal with things one at a time.
I know from IC that these feelings stem from exaggerated thoughts, worrying about the future, regretting the past, reliving painful events.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm being overly dramatic to think that I am dealing with trauma, or that I am traumatized by this experience. I don't take that word lightly, and don't want to imply that my experiences match what other people have suffered which make my problems pale in comparison.
I'm not a perfect parent. Being told I am impulsive, a danger to my children, that I need treatment, that I am untrustworthy... by the person I loved more than anyone in the world... it beats me down. A lot. I try to draw strength and anchor myself to my own reality. This does not come easy for me. I was raised by a domineering mother whose moods ruled the home. I learned to accept another person's version of the truth as the objective "truth". It is my default mode of operation. It takes considerable mental effort to re-anchor myself and overcome my instincts. This is a process I have been learning the past year.
So on days like this, I feel like I am climbing a tall mountain and I know I will get to the top and feel better within a few hours. And maybe tomorrow morning, I will wake up again at the base of that mountain and have to start over again.
So many doubts about what I want, what's best for me, what's best for my kids, where am I going...
