Let me back up and say that you sound very level-headed, wooba. Not sucked into what your H is going through but able to observe the ebb and flow from a distance. They're on their own timeline, wavelength, planet...
Thank you cardinal, I try! I honestly think that I've been blessed so far that I do not have to be stuck in the same house as him (sorry about your situation), and he actually took himself out the equation by moving out.
Originally Posted by Pommy99
Can I ask how you respond to him when he contacts you? Are you friendly and accommodating, let him come and go as he pleases? Do you have boundaries around him showing up? I’m asking because I’m struggling to get a balance with my H. I’m trying to set boundaries and he’s constantly pushing to overstep them. Like I’ve asked him not to come round or keep contacting me and he’s doing the opposite. I’m standing firm but I feel like I’m deliberately being cold towards him, when I actually want him to feel that it’s safe to come to me, to come to our house. I’m ignoring his texts mostly unless they are about the kids. It just doesn’t feel natural though to be anything other friendly and responsive.
For now, I haven't tried to push that issue of him coming and going as he pleases yet. Our last big confrontation was a month ago when he came home in the middle of the night and woke me to have a R talk. That night was the first time I really put the blame on him and told him " YOU LEFT US"...I don't know if it was that, but after that night he pretty much backed off and not showed up as much. I also used the opportunity of our lease ending to see if he wanted to move all his stuff away if my lease is not renewed and I need to find a new place, but he chose to keep things status quo.
For me, I don't feel the need to draw this line right now because 90% of the time our interactions are friendly and civilized. He doesn't notify me if he's coming during the week to pick up things, but he'll almost always asks me about our weekend plans and let me know in advance if he plans to stop by to have breakfast with the kids or something like that. If he's around, I also make an effort to not start playing house with him (sometimes it's super hard! like last time we were in the kitchen together, I almost wanted to hug him), I do have to be more guarded emotionally,
As for calling/texting, it's pretty much 99% logistics now. and he's the one doing the calling most of the time. I'm not acting cold or distant. I'm talking to him like I would talk to a not-so-good friend. cordial and not chatty. I will pick up his calls, return his calls normally, (not as immediate as before but again, the same pace as I'd respond to a regular friend) and with this I feel like I need to remain as respectful as the kind of person I'd like to be rather than play the game of being super distant.
Originally Posted by Pommy99
Do you think he’s trying to get a rise out of you (re the example of the bank accounts)? Or is he looking for reasons to make contact because he wants to reach out to you?
Definitely. I think he gets into his funk sometimes and that makes him want to get a rise out of me. same reason he would come here and initiate D talks. I think he does find reasons to call me. maybe it is his way of "reaching out" emotionally, but I try not analyze his intentions.
Pommy, vets always say something like "do what's counter-intuitive but it usually the right thing to do." I agree to a certain degree. But I think the focus should be on your intention behind the actions. Don't be responsive and friendly because you want him back, or out of habit, or out of fear of pushing him away. I pick up calls and respond to my H nicely because he's the father of my children. I think he can also feel that I'm more reserved so he rarely goes off on a tangent to talk about something else.
One thing I am different from you is that I am not actively trying to make myself or my house a "safe place" for him to come to. I don't mind if he thinks that way, but I feel that it is no longer my duty. I'd like to think that I am a lighthouse in a way that my good energy and character naturally attracts some people into my life, and if H happens to be one of them, then so be it. But for me to be exclusively HIS lighthouse, there is so much he needs to do before I'd even begin to consider that.
Oops, this ended up being so long. I hope this helps....!
