Cardinal - thanks for your kind words. It makes me happy that by sharing my experiences and thoughts, I can help and inspire others.
Believe - You comments are very timely. God = Love, and the greatest commandment is love. I feel loved, and love who I have become in this process.
I am doing a devotional now, but I don't think I can post the full name - puspose driven. Anyway, today's message was all about "mature love", and love is a choice and an action, not an emotion. Early on in my journey, I chose to try to have all my interactions with H, and really try to live my life, as Jesus would, with love, compassion, understanding, and with no judgement. Do I always succeed? Certainly not. But, that choice, and those actions, have given me a peace I never thought possible throughout this journey. One thing that was said in the podcast for my devotional just today was this:
"Loving someone is giving them what they NEED. Not what they DESERVE."
This was exactly the validation I needed today, as my dad last night on the phone couldn't understand why I haven't filed for D, and he said that there is no way he would ever take someone back that did what my H did. I just told him that it wasn't his life, and I didn't know what life holds and I'm o.k. with my decision.
Several posts back, I wrote about H asking me if I loved him, and I balked. I didn't know. Now I understand that those fuzzy feelings we have with someone is not love. Love is the actions we do, showing caring, providing a need, doing something to make someone happy. All action. Not a fuzzy feeling.
Maybe H needs my love more than ever to help him out of what certainly must be a living hell. Regardless of reconciliation. Most people would say he certainly doesn't deserve it. Heck, everyone would, and I could too. But I don't feel that way.
I will continue to listen to the promptings from God, and take it one day at a time.
