Searching for calm with shelter-in-place roommate

[Believe6]

Cardinal, I was listening to a podcast and they talked about MLCers. As we know, they all go through their phases and part of that is the return of various "children" from their past or people they used to be. Even if he didn't do drugs as a teenager, there may have been a part of him that wanted to. Now that the teenager is back, he is trying things he wasn't able to do then. And since in some states weed (and definitely vaping) is legal, he may not even see it as a "drug" per se.

The thing we all tend to do, being sequestered with our H's, is to keep looking at what they are doing. It's hard just to focus on what we are doing. I continue to read more and more about how I can heal myself. I had a friend text me something that really bothered me.

I was telling her how hurt I was and how I am struggling some days with even wanting to ever wake up. She basically told me that I am wasting my life. And this is from someone who is my H's friend much longer than mine. She told me that even if our marriage doesn't make it, I shouldn't waste a day not being happy.

Now, I don't agree with her overall assessment, that only being happy is the way to be. I do believe that life is meant to be lived in all the emotional highs and lows we may experience. We can't just be "happy" and pretend that the pain we are experiencing can't teach us things. But her text did make me think that if I wallow in the pain without allowing it to teach me anything, then I really am wasting my life.

I think that's why we are supposed to stop focusing on their issues and their journey, and rather, focus on our own. We have to stop looking at them because then we aren't looking inside us. Who are we really? What makes us happy? What pisses us off? What did we love to do? What have we given up doing because our spouse didn't really like it or were annoyed by it?

Who would we be without him/her? What would we do if they had died and not just abandoned us (even if they still live with us)?

You are a beautiful person, Cardinal. One who deeply cares. Start caring more about you. We can't keep analyzing why our H is doing what they do that is so opposite to who we knew them to be. Yes, they aren't the person we fell in love with.

They may NEVER be that person again. But WE can be the person we are in love with. WE can be the person who no one will ever want to leave because we own who we are.

You are worth the effort to get to know yourself. Do you like singing loud in the shower? Writing poetry? Reading mysteries or sappy love stories? Do you like funny cat videos and travel blogs? Who are you really? Figure that out and share her with us. I want to know Cardinal... the one who is on the other side of this whole journey.

Because if we believe Einstein, then the future is already here and that Cardinal already exists in her full and glorious wholeness.

Blessings!