WW Patience, Limbo amd Fear

[wayfarer]

Wayfarer, the only other option I see would be me continuing to be used as a doormat for her needs. The gift of time has been great, I just dont see it working when we see each other daily. Im 90 percent sure she still wants that relationship with OM. She had since October to make a change, or at least January when they truly cut off communications. This is all definitely an expectation of mine but a normal one isnt it? W could potentially go years with me in this spot.

Affairs on average take 6-12 months to play out and that's completely unimpeded. No roadblocks, nothing adding to the desire and fantasy. Which is how years and years get tacked on more often than not. Once it's over it takes something like several week up to 3 months for them to get over the affair completely so they can truly re-invest in the marriage IF that's what the betrayer chooses to do. As I see it Steve85s goal of giving it one year. One year of really trying made sense to me personally. If that's not for you then so be it. you were justified to leave at the onset of the affair. And any time since. But other than being in constant over drive about saving this marriage on your terms have you looked at real numbers on these things and made a plan for yourself, your marriage and your family? When I say you seem like you're in crisis, it's because you do. Every thing is agonizing. If you look around here most people who decided to D are incredibly calm in doing so. Like ok this is the next inevitable step. We've been on a similar time line from the beginning here, so I'm struggling to get why you are still thinking there's an instant gratification route here. Because neither route is.

With kids seeing this as a normal marriage and me losing more alimony and time to build another relationship if I can ever trust again after this. I havent seen anything positive, only negative from her. I get why, she wanted out and she felt unsafe, unattracted or both because of my issues. What is your true take on what I do here? Wait it out indefinitely? If I did give more time, we'd still have a 1 to 2 year divorce process to go through. I still have time if I filed today. I think the big difference is W knows Im willing to walk away. Wayfarer, I'm throwing the card out for the kids, not me. I'm hoping it changes her mind. That is true. What I truly want is the kids to see a normal marriage or no marriage. D4 is already copying W and is saying she "isnt supposed to spend time or sit with daddy". Its not what mommys do.

You do what's best for you. You were more than justified to walk away from that MR the second you found out she was cheating. But if any percentage of this is a wake up call for her, which you've admitted it is, I can tell you right now she isn't going to bite.

My attorney divorced when her kid was one and says Ill get 50/50.

Your attorney can't promise you that. At all. If she is you need new counsel. This isn't the world 6 months ago. Or a year ago. You have no idea what your working situations are going to look like by the time this is all over. Without being able to predict income and forecast stability or the availability of child care options. There's no telling what your custody arrangement, or alimony, or anything would look like. Your counsel should be giving you best case scenario, worst case scenario, and working with you for mutual goals. Not making empty promises.

W will need a job. She actually just started one part time and Ive been 60 percent furloughed. The timing [censored].

It does. Which is my whole point. You have the oportunity to slow down and really find yourself and your goals and think about your future on both a path of reconciliation and divorce. Are your courts even processing divorces right now? What's the forecast on first hearings?

This isnt my choice.

It is your choice. It has always been your choice. It will be your choice in the end. You need to accept that.

Please show me another way if there is one. I cant see how accommodating this person will fix my sitch. She has made zero progress to fix her relationships with her family members she removed from her life and she claims to care about them. She resents me and admits that. Say whatever you want here, I ask for 180s and Ive already had a lifetime of being offended.

I gave you my other option. Several times. Taking a step out of the drama isn't accommodation. Worrying about what relationships your wife has or hasn't fixed isn't DBing. It's definitely not detaching. You resent her too. I resent my H. My H resents me. My kids resent both of us. My bff resent her H. Her H resent her. My grandmother resents my grandfather my grandfather resents my grandmother. It's the nature of long term relationships. This is that impossible expectations thing I keep bringing up. You can't escape resentment in long lasting relationships of any kind. But you can work through them in a healthy manner vs something toxic or destructive.

I think you need to dig into that life time of being offended and maybe read through your postings on here. I think there's some introspection to be had there. Give it a try. Working on you. Just this once. It's not like you can get a court date tomorrow. Or like she can sign a new lease.