I get that this shouldn't be about her. I say, Why not if she is the problem?
Because she thinks YOU are the problem, whether you are or not. So if you make it about her, it's just going to make her very angry and you'll be stuck in an endless pattern of "he said, she said".
Quote
I dont know what I can do differently.
Learn to be abundantly patient. It's the thing people struggle with most in DB'ing.
Quote
So much of dbing and advice is contradictory. I got stuck the other day when W was sick (not the bug in the news) and slept in the mbr. At bedtime I told her Im going to sleep in the master.l as well. She asked if she could stay and I go elsewhere, I said no, Im going to sleep in the mbr. She got upset, said I told her it was ok to sleep in the room (I never said she cant), said our communication is off and left. Instead of validating I told her she is often acting like a victim and will remain one if she doesnt change. We acted normal the next day.
OK so I'm guessing you see this as contradictory because we advise to stay in the MBR, which may seem to contrast with "keep the way hope paved and smooth." Here's the thing, don't confuse placating with being cordial. If you try and placate her, then she will have no respect for you. But if you do things to maintain respect while ALSO being kind and cordial, then THAT is proper DB'ing. So you tell her "I am sleeping in the MBR, you are welcome to sleep wherever you want, that is your choice." You're not telling her to sleep there and you're not telling her not to. You're simply telling her that you're sleeping there. You did nothing wrong in maintaining that you were sleeping there. But you DID mess up with the comment about her playing the victim. You should have validated as it sounds like you already know.
"I am sleeping in the MBR." "But you told me it was OK to sleep in here!" "And you are welcome to if that is what you want." "So you'll leave?" "No, I am sleeping here regardless of where you sleep." "But that's not fair! Blah blah blah me me me!" "It sounds like you're frustrated, is that how you feel? I am sorry you are frustrated." "So you'll leave so I can sleep here?" "No, I already told you I am sleeping here and you are welcome to sleep here or wherever you want."
You can be firm and stick to your boundaries while also validating and being understanding.
Quote
So virus cohabitating aside and yes, my goal is an intact marriage, ideally with my kids mother...what do I do? Here's the flipside, per DB and advice, I shouldn't file for D or S. Per peoples experience, in home separation doesnt work. Well then, a choice has to be one or the other right? There is no other option.
It's a tough situation to be sure. We all wish we could look into the future and see what the "right" path to take is. But we don't get that luxury, so we have to make some hard choices. In-house separation rarely leads to recon. But out-of-house separation also rarely leads to recon. Divorce rarely leads to recon. What does lead to recon more often than any of these? Time. Most of us just don't give it enough time, after a few months we get tired of waiting and push for S or D ourselves. More often than not here is what happens- the LBS gets tired of waiting. They push for S or D. They eventually detach and move on. THEN the WAS starts getting interested again and putting out feelers. By then most LBS's are done and don't want to expose themselves to that level of harm again. So at the end of the day, most LBS's are the ones that eventually block recon attempts. Simply put, WAS's just take too much time to get their s**t together and the LBS has well and truly moved on by the time they do.
Quote
Its not pursuing if I just ask wtf she wants, right?
Yeah any R talk is pressure and pursuit no matter how well-intentioned. And 99/100 times you're just going to hear "I don't know what I want" in response. Then what? Ask again tomorrow? On and on it goes. So you don't ask.
