You can absolutely communicate to her in a loving non threatening way that this is no longer working for you and that you would like to work to repair the marriage or go your separate ways and divorce. That is actually the alpha thing to do. But you better be 100% sure you are ready to follow. My guess is initially she will call your bluff.
^^^^What LH says. You said you want to have a relationship talk to ask her WTF she wants. Well, she wants to cake eat . So what you need to do is present her with the 2 scenarios like LH mentioned. Those are the 2 things that will work for YOU. That’s alpha. She doesn’t get the cake eating choice.
You ask if you should be flirty, or cold, or whatever. All I can tell you is, if you are flirty one minute, cold the next, distant an, joking in another breath, she isn’t going to believe anything. She’s going to think you are trying every tactic and nothing is real. You say to wayfarer why would you give money to someone who abuses you and is cheating. Well, why would you flirty with that same person?
If you can’t be still and consistent in this time, you’ll get no where. If you know for sure it’s either we are working on this or we are going out seperate ways, then you need to do it and stick to which one of those answers she gives you. If you aren’t ready for that, then you have to be still and not keep trying different things to find what “works” that isn’t going to change her mind or change who she is right now
I brought it up with her and she asked for more time, blaming the bug. I said I want an answer in the morning. If she doesnt give me one, then I would make the decision. I know what the answer is already based on that response and her lack of emotion. I can and can't believe Im divorcing with a 1 year old child and my kids will spend most of their childhoods without a stable family. All because of fixable issues.
I can't wait for my new life but I will always be saddened at what they have lost. I will probably always see my W as a demon for refusing to fix this. For putting on a mask and hiding her true past. I was specifically avoiding people with a past like hers and she knew it and hid it. As I sit here hearing my kids enjoying life downstairs, Im saddened everyone. They have no clue and maybe never will because of their ages.
Im saddened for W too. She couldve tried to fix this instead of turning to extremist websites for empowerment. Shes overall a good mom to the kids and for that I am thankful. I appreciate all the support as I move here to D. I came here thinking this would be fixed in a month and in the end, here I am losing time with the ones I care about most. Our ancestors would be ashamed at how this society now works. Now you can destory a perfectly good family over reasons so minor. Not even a pandemic could put Ws views in to perspective. Nothing will and I now join all the other friends and family who got close to her, didnt meet expectations and were removed from her life.
H37, W37 D4, S2 ILYBNILWY 9/19 BD 9/19 EA discovered 10/19 Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
I understand exactly how you feel. My daughter was 6 months old when my ex left. He began cheating during my high risk/ IVF pregnancy, and left me for her when our baby was still just a baby. It’s 12 years later now. They are married.
Your kids will have a stable family. If she is a good mom and you are a good dad, your kids will have a stable family and will be happy. My daughter is 12. She is smart, has friends, loves school, and is a very happy kid. I would say her life is pretty stable. I think she would have been so well off if we stayed together and she say how her father treated me. I couldn’t change him just like you can’t get your ex to decide to fix things.
You will ok. Your kids will be ok. They won’t be ok if they see a dysfunction limbo relationship.
I never understood men like that Ginger. I'm so sorry you had to go through a similar situation. The part making me the saddest is missing time with the kids. They mean the world to me. I cannot fathom not seeing them for a week at a time. That's time that I can never get back.
W showed zero emotion, I dont know how she cant be upset over what she is doing and losing.
H37, W37 D4, S2 ILYBNILWY 9/19 BD 9/19 EA discovered 10/19 Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
I’m sorry it has come to this but in the long run it will be for the best. I’m not gonna lie, being away from my kids is not easy nor does it seem to get easier but it is what it is. We have an awesome relationship and make the best out of the time we have together.
Although not easy (trust me I know) try to have some love and compassion for your W as she is either a psychopath or is going through something herself.
Thank you LH. I think its for the best as well, sadly. I wish it could be different for many of us. Life is too short to miss out on the biggest joys. Sadly W doesn't see it that way and would rather the joys of infatuation. I get why, that stage is great but its got nothing on watching my kids laugh, cuddle and sing together.
Im glad I tried. I wish I made big changes earlier though I dont know if that would've changed things. My family oriented daughter is going to take this so poorly.
H37, W37 D4, S2 ILYBNILWY 9/19 BD 9/19 EA discovered 10/19 Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
I'm going to try to keep this as succinct as possible but trust there is so much more I'd like to say.
No marriage was fixed after an affair in a month. EVER. Not even the beginning of a true reconciliation. This was the beginning of your expectations being out of wack for a situation like this. Even in the best of circumstances, i.e. an immediately remorseful spouse bouncing back takes time. And a lot of it.
You can't put out chaotic energy and mixed messages and expect to receive consistency in return that's not a thing in human behavior.
The state nor any judge will give a crap that your wife cheated on you if she is doing the majority of the care and keeping of your children. Unless your family is ready to step up and co-parent with you, you have no viable option to argue for primary placement or even 50/50 while they are a) this little and b) the state of day care right now due to the pandemic. You will be paying, whether you like it or not. The court will not order her to get a job with 2 kids under 5 in the home. You need to have a real in depth conversation with a knowledgeable attorney, not someone who proselytizes themselves as a bulldog divorce attorney. They are going to give it to you straight and let you know what is really going to happen going forward here. I don't think you really have a fully flushed out concept of what the next year of your life is going to look like. Oh and your divorce won't be complete in a just a few months. You have very little kids. Ballpark I'd guess the better part of a year possibly pushing into 2 years. You need to get well established full picture of what this divorce is going to be so you can stop throwing it around like a weapon in your marriage and actually mean it.
I don't know how many other ways to say this to you, stop thinking separation, divorce and the pieces of it are pawns in this game, they are not. They are things you need to be willing to follow through with to the end. They will neither gain you favor or respect from W. They give you a resolution instead of hanging on the line ad infinitum, that's it. Occasionally that will get a WS/WAS to realize the end is near. But there's no guarantee. There are no guarantees on any of this. The human variable makes absolutely none of this fool proof.
Respect is an objective concept regardless of all the alpha posturing and other opinions around here. Granted I'm a woman so I have no concept of what it's like to expect people to respect you just because. Point being having self respect is what DBing is really about. Not trying to manipulate someone into kowtowing to your wishes and calling that respect.
You are not required to be in any relationship that doesn't serve you. But you seriously need to read the room right now. The room being the state of things in the world and the general capability of you being able to actually end your marriage right this moment. You were given a gift of time. How you choose to use it is up to you.
LH, I should've taken out my anxiety earlier. W dealt with it off and on for 3 years. I also knew little of validation and disagreed with her feelings at times rather than just listening. I also found god, healed relationships with my family, picked up goals again and killed it at the gym like my old days. These changes probably would've increased Ws attraction and love for me before we hit that point of no return. I changed after having kids and I should've 180d then.
Wayfarer, the only other option I see would be me continuing to be used as a doormat for her needs. The gift of time has been great, I just dont see it working when we see each other daily. Im 90 percent sure she still wants that relationship with OM. She had since October to make a change, or at least January when they truly cut off communications. This is all definitely an expectation of mine but a normal one isnt it? W could potentially go years with me in this spot. With kids seeing this as a normal marriage and me losing more alimony and time to build another relationship if I can ever trust again after this. I havent seen anything positive, only negative from her. I get why, she wanted out and she felt unsafe, unattracted or both because of my issues. What is your true take on what I do here? Wait it out indefinitely? If I did give more time, we'd still have a 1 to 2 year divorce process to go through. I still have time if I filed today. I think the big difference is W knows Im willing to walk away. Wayfarer, I'm throwing the card out for the kids, not me. I'm hoping it changes her mind. That is true. What I truly want is the kids to see a normal marriage or no marriage. D4 is already copying W and is saying she "isnt supposed to spend time or sit with daddy". Its not what mommys do.
My attorney divorced when her kid was one and says Ill get 50/50. W will need a job. She actually just started one part time and Ive been 60 percent furloughed. The timing [censored]. This isnt my choice. Please show me another way if there is one. I cant see how accommodating this person will fix my sitch. She has made zero progress to fix her relationships with her family members she removed from her life and she claims to care about them. She resents me and admits that. Say whatever you want here, I ask for 180s and Ive already had a lifetime of being offended.
H37, W37 D4, S2 ILYBNILWY 9/19 BD 9/19 EA discovered 10/19 Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
