Thought it was time for a check-in. Hope this post finds everyone well and in good spirits. Thinking about those of you in the hardest hit areas and praying people do their part to bend the curve. So far so good where I am. The vast majority of people are staying home and our daily numbers aren’t terrible considering what they could be. Hospitals are managing well apparently. The government has really stepped up and trying to support the people who are out of work as much as possible. Everyone I know who applied for the emergency relief benefit ($2000 a month) got their money within two days of applying. That’s pretty good considering we are talking about a couple of million people applying in the same week.
I started my new job last week. I am one of the lucky ones who has been designated essential services and my workplace is small so I am able to go into the office most days and still follow the social distancing rules. I really like my staff but am becoming aware of some issues that need to be dealt with over the next couple of months. The last supervisor was apparently “done” and putting forth minimal effort with respect to supervising staff. This was okay for the staff who had been around for 15 years but towards the end of her tenure, those people left and she got a couple of new staff who were experienced clinically but new to this area of government and one of them new to government completely as he had been in private practice.
Anyway...the supervisor left and while they were waiting for her replacement (me), my counterpart in our capital took over some of the supervision and became aware that things weren’t being done that should have been. So she provided some feedback (I’m sure quite gently given my experience of her) and asked for them to make some changes which they either did half-way or ignored her requests altogether. The things she was asking were not out of the ordinary (no-brainers in my estimation) so the push back was a bit perplexing to me. What I’ve come to realize is that because they were not trained properly and left to their own devices, they experienced the feedback from my counterpart as meddling and her not understanding that “we do things differently” here.
So...I have some work ahead of me. I’m not a micro manager or someone who doesn’t support creativity when it comes to working with clients however, I know that if something goes sideways with a client, it is really, really, really important that what you are doing and have done with them is accurately reflected in their files. And, as I explained to one of my staff on Friday, I’m ultimately responsible so I have to know what is going on and there will be some things that are non-negotiable. That wasn’t the easiest conversation to have as I am aware that there have been some resentments building for some time and they had pictured me coming in and defending them. I am happy to do that but only if I agree and some of the things they are upset about, I just don’t agree with. So I had to address some things with him and I think it was a good conversation but the thing about being the boss is that there is I may never really know.
On the home front, things are going well. I had the kids for a week after my self isolation ended and they went back to their dad’s on Saturday for another week. My son really struggled with leaving. He says a week is a really long time to be at dad’s without seeing me. He loves his dad and wants to visit with him but his dad’s place isn’t home. He was quite clingy the last two days and constantly hugging me and telling me how much he would miss me and that he wanted to stay. It was upsetting but I just reassured him that we could FaceTime whenever he wants and that when he is older, he can decide where he wants to be and for how long. My son is such a sensitive little soul.
Jack has been staying with me for a week and it’s actually going really, really well. SD20 and XMIL are warming up to him. We had Easter dinner last night and Jack played some classical guitar which is always a hit - especially with XMIL. He is talking more with everyone and has been playful with the kids. We had family game night on Friday with XMIL and played some basketball with D12 and then Saturday morning he and SD20 had a nerf gun fight with the twins while I was in the shower. Having him around definitely makes life less lonely for me - especially when the kids aren’t home. We had a good talk last week. We love each other but still question whether we are fooling ourselves that it could last long term. We’ve basically decided that he is going to stay with me until the CV19 social distancing measures are over with and then we will reevaluate. Who knows? After four months, we should definitely have an idea whether or not we are compatible to live together. The great part about this particular situation is that it gave us a good excuse to try this (either we lived together or we didn’t see each other) and also a natural out if things don’t go well. So far so good but it’s only been a week so we’ll see.
I’ve thought about this a lot and I just don’t think I am capable of that “all-in, head-over-heels, blind faith” kind of love anymore. In the past, I’ve thrown myself into relationships and ignored any warning signs or niggling doubts...this was especially the case with XH. I knew he was capable of cheating and lying but I just didn’t think it would happen with us because of how head over heels in love we were. I realize now that those behaviours don’t just happen...they aren’t accidents...they aren’t a measurement of how much someone loves you. I thought that he couldn’t do those things to me because of how much he loved me but that was faulty thinking on my part. Even during the worst times in our relationship, I could not have done the things that he did to me. Commitment, honesty, loyalty...these are character traits and they don’t change without a lot of serious personal work that begins with taking responsibility and ownership of your behaviour. XH doesn’t do that. He never has and I don’t think he ever truly will. Seeing how he has dealt with SD20 is proof of that. What is that saying? When someone shows you who they are, you should believe them. Makes a lot of sense to me now. And I think that is why I don’t see myself rushing into anything with anyone anymore. People show you who they are over time.
Anyway...that’s enough rambling for the day. Stay safe and stay well everyone!!! (((HUGS)))
