I'm going to try to keep this as succinct as possible but trust there is so much more I'd like to say.
No marriage was fixed after an affair in a month. EVER. Not even the beginning of a true reconciliation. This was the beginning of your expectations being out of wack for a situation like this. Even in the best of circumstances, i.e. an immediately remorseful spouse bouncing back takes time. And a lot of it.
You can't put out chaotic energy and mixed messages and expect to receive consistency in return that's not a thing in human behavior.
The state nor any judge will give a crap that your wife cheated on you if she is doing the majority of the care and keeping of your children. Unless your family is ready to step up and co-parent with you, you have no viable option to argue for primary placement or even 50/50 while they are a) this little and b) the state of day care right now due to the pandemic. You will be paying, whether you like it or not. The court will not order her to get a job with 2 kids under 5 in the home. You need to have a real in depth conversation with a knowledgeable attorney, not someone who proselytizes themselves as a bulldog divorce attorney. They are going to give it to you straight and let you know what is really going to happen going forward here. I don't think you really have a fully flushed out concept of what the next year of your life is going to look like. Oh and your divorce won't be complete in a just a few months. You have very little kids. Ballpark I'd guess the better part of a year possibly pushing into 2 years. You need to get well established full picture of what this divorce is going to be so you can stop throwing it around like a weapon in your marriage and actually mean it.
I don't know how many other ways to say this to you, stop thinking separation, divorce and the pieces of it are pawns in this game, they are not. They are things you need to be willing to follow through with to the end. They will neither gain you favor or respect from W. They give you a resolution instead of hanging on the line ad infinitum, that's it. Occasionally that will get a WS/WAS to realize the end is near. But there's no guarantee. There are no guarantees on any of this. The human variable makes absolutely none of this fool proof.
Respect is an objective concept regardless of all the alpha posturing and other opinions around here. Granted I'm a woman so I have no concept of what it's like to expect people to respect you just because. Point being having self respect is what DBing is really about. Not trying to manipulate someone into kowtowing to your wishes and calling that respect.
You are not required to be in any relationship that doesn't serve you. But you seriously need to read the room right now. The room being the state of things in the world and the general capability of you being able to actually end your marriage right this moment. You were given a gift of time. How you choose to use it is up to you.
